Monday, November 30, 2009

Whatever Happened To Wishful Thinking? is telling me that wednesday has 100% Chance of Rain. The entire day. At first I thought, no, this must be a mistake. This MUST say 10% and i just took too much Nyquil. but NOPE, Weather is being predicted as just that. Basically saying your gonna get wet wednesday. And its so strange because Tuesday is supposed to be so beautiful! I mean come on, dont be such a buzzkill mcgee. I mean, really. Rain is nice, i LOVE rain but seeing that there is a 100 percent chance you wont be able to walk outside without getting wet all day wednesday really is the biggest bummer. oh well. I will be sending positive vibes out as usal trying to make the day as good as possible. Just because the suns not in the sky doesnt mean the sun cant be in your attitude! Live for the day!
yeah, i have had to much nyquil now that i think about it...

Well I Feel Like A Big Deal

I feel kind of like a big deal! I was asked by Ryan Wilson, the President Of SC Pride to be on a panel with him for GLBT Youth in SC. The Conference is part of a training called "Preventing Health Risks & Promoting Healthy Outcomes Among LGBQ Youth" and I will be one of two (or three) youth on the actual panel. Apparently what I will have to talk about is how coming out has affected me in schools is what I believe their focusing on in general. Oh and I get paid, thats always nice. Haha. I am just really excited that Ryan picked me it just makes me feel like a hot shot big deal haha considering he runs the whole damn pride coalition in South Carolina. He asked me and Stephen because of the work we do with Outloud In The Midlands which is a gay youth group I am a leader of in SC. I feel like its really good I help out in my community with things like this because especially since I am living in the south its neccesary for me to let other youth know that there are other people like them in the south. I wonder how many people will be there? I do not know much about it, except for what I told you. I know that I am very excited! I mean, its pretty damn exciting!

Who else is getting excited for the holidays?! I get so cheery this time of the year! But My face gets so dry! Really unfortunate!

Decisions, Decisions

After careful consideration, talking about it with my Daddy & My Twitter Followers I decided to do the picture. I figured it would make my mother happy. And even though I do not owe her anything I think this maybe will show her that its possible to be nice to someone and help someone out without they want in an unselfish way. Does that make any sense. I mean I spent over 16 years of my life in her own personal hell. Trapped in an existential pit of self loathing because of the way she made me feel. The way she brushed off my rape like it was my fault. The way she vented on me because she had no where else to vent, the way she trapped me from seeing my father, the nights she would scream at me and tell me I equated to nothing, etc ; all of that does not matter right now. I am at a completely different stage in my life. I am not in the stage of hatred I had towards my mother around a year ago. Granted, I do not forgive her for anything nor do I think she grasps how much she fucked me up, but I do not think it matters. I can tell she needs to feel like she has me there somewhat. I never wanted to be excommunicated from her truly, and I hate that basically that is what ended up happening. But ya know what, its a fucking christmas card. If that makes her that fucking happy, I will do it. I do not think she has really done much to make me happy, but maybe this will show her its okay to do things you dont like for the sake of others and maybe she will start doing things such as that. Everyone thinks she is so fucking great for all the work she does with special needs children and they are surprised when she has a kid from her wild past living away from her. So thats another reason I want to do the picture. I think its hilarious when her friends comment on her facebook- You have a kid in college!?!?! At first, I didnt think it was funny but it is going to be hilarious seeing peoples comments on the picture! Haha! I will be sure to post the picture, we are taking it tommorrow!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Is Giving In The Best Choice Sometimes?

So... my mother sent me a text message today and asked if I could come over tuesday or wednesday to take a photo with her family. For their christmas card. I was truly perplexed at first as to why she would even ask. Like, that just does not make any sense to me at all... but then it hit me... She still has this idea we are some perfect family even though we barely communicate. We never have been a perfect family. I was always the kid she had out of wedlock before she met the man of her dreams and had her own little family with him, and thats how it is. That is how it has always been. And that doesnt bother me at ALL. But what does bother me is the fact that my mother does not accept the fact that I am not a part of that image that she wants. I told her that I am not sure if I feel comfortable doing that but I will think about it and get back to her. That is so true, I would feel SO very uncomfortable being in a picture with them. Especially after what a fucked up year it has been. I mean, I cannot believe all of the shit thats gone down with me and her this past year. I just have so much thinking to do. I know it would be the "mature" thing to do and because of that reason I want to do it in a heart beat, so I do not seem like a brat. But then again, this is not about any of that. I know that if I "give in" to this it will just have my mother right up on her high horse again with her thinking she is in control of me. She needs to realize at this point the whole her being in control thing of me is over, and I do not want to give her a taste of what that is like again. I will be treated like shit even more than i have in the past. I love the idea of a family being picture perfect (in the best sense of the word) but If I pose in this picture I do not know if I can look at my self in the mirror without thinking I gave in and did not hold on to my own boundaries. Because I have to set up some boundaries against her. I do not want to get as hurt as I did again. I cannot afford that, I am the happiest I have ever been in a long time. Ever. I just have no idea what to do...

Some Writing

Some writing I did a couple of months ago when i was VERY lost, but now it is all good. Just thought i would still share it.

A pit is so much worse than a rut. If you are in a rut, the edges are smoothed down and channeling towards the end, all you have is a long climb out. When you are in a rut there is no visible way to get out. How does someone get out of a pit? No one expects to fall into one so it’s not as if you can plan on it. Sure if you are in a literal pit someone can throw a rope, ask for help, etc. What if you are in the kind of pit that no one can tell you’re in? It is an emotional pit of existentialism. One in which, basically, you are getting nowhere with anything.

There will be times where your head is sticking out of the pit. You think everything is better, for a few moments. Those times are always face-slapping mirages. It is the worst feeling to know that you are stuck in a pit. People will spit, shit, rape, set fire, and other horrible things to you while you are in the pit; because they know that they can.

Friday, November 27, 2009

So much to say... So little Strength Left

I am so sorry to anyone that cares that i havent blogged in forever. unfortunately this will be a short blog because i am so tired, and also i apoligize for all the grammar and spelling errors. I am just so tired, please forgive me haha.
I am going to just say the good news. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I cant say I have ever been happier and i dont know why i am crying right now but it just started happenging. I am realizing how happy i am, and it is so beautiful. and i am really tired im sorry. SCHOOL IS GOING GREAT, i finally get math and for the first time ever i have an A in math. I am so proud of myself. I did it without my mother too. So its like a slap in the face to her coz when i was living with her one of the reasons she didnt want me to leave is coz she thought i would lose track of my school work. the facts are i was the most lost at her place. now that i am happy, i am really buckling down. wow. it is gonna be a great next years ahead of me. I promise to post new stuff soon, reviews, thoughts, etc. but i am much to tired now. I just wanted to tell everyone how happy i was. thanks! xx!