Sunday, August 30, 2009

Top 40 absurdities

Hey everyone! Pleasure to be chatting with yall today! today i want to talk about top 40 music. is it good for americas "ipod gen", such as myself ? or is it the actual downfall of society. I am going to admit, sometimes in the car I will play the top 40 station and go into a pop overload all giddy and loud. because its FUN! it truly is! top 40 is fun to party/dance to! and thats just a well known fact. obviously. i mean it OBVIOUSLY has no substance whatsoever but does that mean its a horrible idea to listen to it every now and again. I would like to think that MOST of the music that i listen to, does have a little, if not alot of substance. I will admit tho, if a hot guy were to pull up next to me, i would not want him to hear me having a dancegasm to lady gaga. because the sad truth is, sometimes i do! yeah thats right. i like that new shakira song~! and that cobra starship ft. leighton meester song. which i am straight up ashamed of hahah. but i cant stop! its ridiculous! so i just popped on patrick wolf into my pandora and feel a little more reserved lol. but at the same time, if i listen to it, i should not be ashamed. call me a musical doormat, whatever. i mean its my life. yeah the music is absolute SHIT but atleast i admit to it! for real, i mean you should not have to change yourself for anyone. especially these new age "hip" alternative crowd. i mean its a cool scene but SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! am i making any sense? idk i just sometimes cant deal with people that think they are too cool for the whole fucking world.
so yeah, if you listen to top 40 EMBRACE it. dont be embarrassed! but do,please, admit its shit. its okay to love shit sometimes.

Friday, August 28, 2009

having my schedule fixed finally.

after two weeks of not knowing how life was going to go at tech, i FINALLY have my schedule worked out! thank di lort is the main thing i can say! okay so they had me at an eleven class thru both semesters and i needed to work out so i dont have an early bird because i got that community service, you know you know. lol. so i still have an eleven next semester but this semester i dont have class until 1245! hell to the yes. i am very pleased. this semester i will have like this. okay i will just post my schedule all fancy like

Semester One

  1. Algebra II- 1245-215
  2. Government/Economics-220-350
  3. College 103- 355-500

Hell yeah! thats a great first semester! I will have ALOT of time to get ALL my work done. Now, the next semester is ALOT of more work tho. So i HAVE to be ready. Atleast I should be all adjusted to tech by then!

Semester Two

  1. Probability and Statistics- 11-1220


2.English IV- 220-350

3. Law Education- 355-500

Does that make sense to yall? I know its a tid bit confusing. But hopefully it is going to be an AMAZING year. I am so happy and so blessed.

Oh my favorite thing is that BOTH semesters I will have AMPLE time to get lunch! hell to the yes : )

i love tech : )

Thursday, August 27, 2009

standards for an exboyfriend

god damn it. to hell.
I want an ex boyfriend that everyone dreams of having. you know before you date someone there is always that line that is like "we are the best of friends so i know it will work out" well why the fuck cant you stay friends with the person after its over. i mean, i legitamitely try. its so weird, because with as much as i try you would think they would be all for it. i mean, its an AMAZING concept, staying friends with someone you once shared such a special bond with. but no. it really irks my nerves. all this one dude can say is how he just cant trust me after i broke up with him. dude you should trust me more, i broke up with you when i knew it was not going to work out. thats an AMAZING idea. you dumbfuck. i mean really, what the fuck am i supposed to say to that shit. sorry you cant trust me because i broke up with you HONESTLY!?!? DUMB. and then theres this one who just wont fucking respond to my texts or messages. and im like WTF. i saw him at adriannas coffee the other day and it was the most awkward convo ever. talk about small talk. like he didnt know where i was going to school!? if he has that much of a problem to not even return my messages than how about tell me. just be like your a jerk for breaking up with me. atleast we can talk about THAT. and then theres that other prick. look, you know i have given this bs my all. and you broke MY heart dude, its not fair you dont respond to my messages and always have really awkard texts back. i just want to TALK like i used to. like we used to. you know it was perfect before the fall. as it always is. I swear, its a gay thing. gays are so fucking dramatic. UGH!!! i swear i am a lesbian trapped in a gay mans body. its totally obnoxious. so this is why i am so attracted to straight guys. come on boys you interested? i can tuck!

sitting with tchomgo

my algebra professors name is mr tch0mgo. he is from cameroon. his accent is extremely thick. it is technically hard to pay attention to his class. being at midlands tech is almost like this new adventure that has all these different turns and twists. i got a 100 on my pop quiz... somehow... i take better notes than i think i guess. i guess i can actually do good this year. i have alot of things going for me. so thats good. i am going to write a review on Patrick Wolfs, The Bachelor, soon. I know that its a little late, or alot of late, but its still extremely interesting. Listening to mr tchomgo (chumgo) makes me feel like i am in africa. it is the closest thing that i will get to africa for a long time. i want to ask him all about africa, i want to ask him so many things, but i am worried i really wont be able to understand him. i wish he would write a memoir of his life, so i could understand everything he has been thru, how he got to fucking south carolina. I am sure he has so many extremely interesting stories. his personality is an extremely beautiful one. its like dry with a humor that you can tell only he understands, but not in a cheesy stepdad way. like, he makes it his own. hes so interesting, yet i have only known him for a week. i have never even formally introduced myself. i like that he changed my name from david to alex with no questions, most teachers freak out and wonder where alex came from. its extremely appealing on his part. i wonder if he is married. i wonder so, so, so much about tchomgo.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

my memoir for english class

its kinda dark... maybe? it depeneds on what you think is dark. i ended up having a really tough time writing about this. so here goes nothing....

The first time I tried Oxycodone I knew it was the drug for me. After ten minutes of taking one pill, I felt my tongue numb. This beautiful numbness expanded to my entire mouth. I next felt my hands lighten, soon my whole body felt lighter and out of control. It was almost as if I knew I had this different feeling than anyone else could possibly have, this high was one only that I could experience. I had never in my life felt so in control by being so out of control.

I should probably start from when I took my first painkiller in the first place. I had been receiving toe nail surgerys to remove parts of my nail bed. People are generally shocked by the fact such expensive and extensive procedures can be done for ones big two nails, but trust me you would be surprised. Its truly surprising how much you actually need your big toes to walk properly. So when I started getting ingrown toe nails, you could only imagine how difficult it was to complete my day to day activities. When I went to the doctors I then discovered that they were a rare form of reverse ingrown toe nails where my toe nails were growing out from the bottom, splitting my skin. I was completely numbed during the procedure, and after it was all said and done, I was prescribed Hydrocodone.

The Hydrocodone definitely did the job it was supposed to do. My feet had a numb, light feeling about them. I felt a little loopy and things just seemed to be funnier. I did like these pills, but I truly wish I would have stopped there. My next visit to the doctor ruined everything. I had ran out of my Hydrocodone the night before, and when the doctor asked how the pain was I was honest and explained how that day my foot had been ringing all day, due to my meds being gone. He prescribed a much higher dose of something I had never even heard of called Lortab. I took two when I got home and turned on the television. The next hours are hazy. I remember a few people coming in and out to visit me, but I soon fell asleep. When I woke up my house was a mess and food was made on the stove, and there were dirty dishes in the sink. I had just experienced my first black out.

You would think that after a loss of control such as this, taking these pills for recreational purposes would be the last thing I would do. But no, that was not the case. I really enjoyed the fact that it was a different me. At the time I had just moved out of my house, I had just had a really messy end to a long relationship, and I was truly depressed in its broadest definition. I liked the way that I could take a pill and just feel lighter, just feel giggly. I liked this feeling until about three hours after I taken it. That was when I started to come down from the high. Coming down from a painkiller high is one of the worst experiences ever. It is literally a feeling of worthlessness and a feeling that makes you so angry at everyone yet you do not know why. I lashed out on people I loved and cared about, I said very awful things I can never take back. I lost friends, yet I did not stop there. It only got worse.

This is the part of the whole ordeal where I started to actually not be prescribed pills anymore. I found a friend, who for so many reasons I will refer to as X, who was starting to deal. His dad was a doctor and he would sneak a few pills from his father’s office whenever he got a chance. This was the first time I was introduced to Oxycodone. It is not as strong as the painkiller you hear of for surgeries like Oxycontin, but it was only a few steps away. As I explained in my first paragraph I was instantly hooked on this “magic” pill. Oxycodone truly is anything but magic though. One thing I liked about the pill high is even though it was extremely obvious I was high at school, I could still get away with it. Teachers just still assumed I was on painkillers for my toe surgeries. I was helpless at school once I started Oxycodone. I wouldn’t do any work, I would make friends do stuff for me, I would float around school not knowing what was going on, and worst off I would lash out when I was coming down from highs.

I remember an experience where X did not have any Oxycodone one Friday but he had something called Percocet which was at a much higher dosage. I bought two then and there, I crushed them up in the bathroom and snorted them at school, on the bathroom sink. I did not heed X’s warning on to not take them both in the same hour. Once I got back to class I felt sick. I passed out on the way to the nurse’s office and woke up lying in the nurse’s bed. Apparently I got up and walked myself to the nurse’s office, that’s why they did not call the EMT, but of course, this part was blacked out. It was now the weekend and I had no Oxycodone. Yes, that’s right, I still wanted more. I basically just told myself I was allergic to Percocet, and that it had nothing to do with my hook in general.

That next Saturday I had no pills. I had no idea what to do, I felt so empty. I had been having the same high for the past month. I was going through a slight withdrawal. That’s when I found a tube of air duster. I knew this was the worst idea but I was obsessed with that feeling of being high. I put the straw in my nose and held the trigger. It felt as if my brain was getting smaller. The high was nothing like a painkiller high and the come down was unfortunately so much worth. I trashed my room, I couldn’t stop crying. How had I possibly sunk this low? I used to be an honors student with a good home life. Here I was, failing my junior year, not speaking to my mother, did not realize why I was so sad, and searching for any high possible. I saw a lighter on my bed stand. I flicked the switch and watched the flame rise up. I loved how blurry the blue at the end of the flame was. I loved how this flame was shining through all my tears. I held it too my arm. I held it there, even though I could obviously feel it. I did not even feel pain, I felt sadness. The sadness, how could I be doing this? I was the kind of person I could not stand, with a pretty good life compared to some people and I was burning my flesh. I could smell the skin on my left arm boiling up. A blister formed immediately and bust on sight, flicking out the flame. That’s when the reality set in.

I had a huge bandage on my left arm the next week at school and told everyone it was a burn from an oven. My dad did not believe me but all he thought was a friend did it on accident with a cigarette. I still think that he was just pretending to be that naïve. I finally got some more Oxycodone that day. I quickly ran in the bathroom and crushed some up and snorted it. I loved the slight burn I felt as it entered my nose passage, and then the smooth taste it left in the back of my throat. I drank some water and went to class. I had an amazing high, but became very paranoid. It seemed as if people were onto me, since I had been this high for about a month. My paranoid actions caused me to take the deodorant out of my deodorant stick and place the bag of pills and straw inside, tightly replacing the cap. I believe this was god giving me my last chance. That was the day I was one minute from being caught.

Literally one minute after I had done this, three administrators came to my door and grabbed me and my stuff. I was actually asleep and high when they came, no surprise at all. They asked me many questions and gave me an extremely uncomfortable search. While searching my stuff, the administrator actually held my pills in his hand without even knowing it, via the deodorant stick. It was such a scary experience seeing him hold it and then placing it down. That was my official wake up call. If I would have gotten caught, I would have had all my chances ripped even more down.

I realized that just because everything in my life at the moment seemed to be going downhill without my control, I myself had the power to control this. I could choose my destiny at this point. I was only making it worse, and I had spent too many nights crying to basically give up like this. My problem with pills was fueled by my ability to not control my current situation; I felt I can now control how I feel with these pills. But nothing like that can last forever, I am so glad I got my wakeup call when I did. I will always have that memory though, of getting to a point to burn my own flesh just so I could get the same feeling of control as the pills gave me. And I will always have that scar on my left arm, to remind me of the past. To remind me of when I truly was out of my own control.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Informers is basically everything i could want in a book and more.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I can not say it. I will not say it. She can say it to me all she wants but i will not say it back. Its nothing too personal.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The age of seventeen is the hardest time to find a boyfriend i think. Because you want someone older but the older guys think you are to young. And all the younger people want you and you do not want to break their hearts but know it wont work out. Love is so complicated. I wish i was eighteen.