err, yeah do it

its anonymous. so why not????

being single is all its cracked up to be

sike.

getting in that holiday spirit!!!!

I am SO excited for friday night! Stephen and Nicki and I are having our own lil christmas. Omg its going to be so much fun, we went ALL OUT!!! Got a tree, loads of gifts, stockings, all sorts!!!! its going to be SUCH a blast! I got Stephen and Nicki matching pillow cases from urban outfitters with their initials on them! like his and her pillows. and considering they are such amazing friends they WONT read my blog haha. among loads of other things i got them too! But they wont start reading my blog within the next 20hours for sure haha. but collectivly i spent like 200 dollars on them haha, not that its about the money haha cos its totally not! I wonder what they got me, they keep on dropping hints to confuse me. I love them so much, and I am so blessed to finnaly have friends like them. I am also really blessed because this will be the closest thing to a NORMAL christmas i ever had. i know they are my age and not old enoough to be my parents but its almost a similar concept, a male and female figure getting gifts for me. hahah so cheasy, i know but WHATEVER. I will be sure to be taking pictures. omg nicki is taking stephen to fucking DC for his present, so jealous! and he is getting her an ipod! lol true love, it is just SO sweet! so so sweet when i see da true love mon, they are just great friends! so happy to finally be on break from school, and i am now officially in that holiday spirit! hope everything is good with everyone ttyl xoxoxoxoxooxoxxooxoxoo

just maybe

why are boys so complicated? is it possible to feel connected to someone so much just by so few conversations with them. how long does it take till you can tell you like someone? how long does it take for someone to break you is more like the question. i really wish it were all so much more simpler than this. I just wish i had that prince who could sweep me off my feet with my baggage and all. even if that prince has similar baggage to me especially when it comes to relationships. especially if. is he really my prince if i have to wait for him like this? to sort out yet again what he wants, scared that its not going to be me, yet again, story of my damn life. i wish i could just take a deep breath and blow down all the walls that shroud relationships. maybe im just too sensitive but being a gemini i go back and forth on what i want alot, but this... this stays pretty constant... i am pretty sure i want this prince... but maybe i am just sensitive and too quick to jump into things. maybe im just a crazy fucking gemini who is off the rails again. everythings a maybe when when you are talking about this shit. fucking everything.

im here when you are ready

story of my life.

Never Too Sure

So today I took an HIV test. Its negative, i dont have HIV or any HIV antibodies, want to go ahead and get that out of the way. I wasnt too worried honestly, but you know what they say, one of yr sexual partners makes u all of their sexual partners partner as well. So I just thought I should get a test. I always use protection and havent had any sexual contact since august so I dont have to go back for a check up or anything, I definately dont have it. Its a relief to know. I suggest everyone get an HIV test regurally. If you live in my state PALSS is a great place to go! www.palss.org it was completely free and confidential, and everyone there was so nice. The test itself only took 10 minutes and i was at the doctors only about 30 minutes. So why not get tested? I suggest everyone do it, because its always good to be sure. :)

nevertheless

I cannot believe I agreed to do this... I feel so fake. I cannot believe I gave in expecting something to do different. its all the same, the bridges are all burnt. I am not proud of myself for this.

Dear Rapist

Thats what you are
Looking like a knight
only from a far
i didnt put a fight
because i just didnt know
how to do it right

you told me to stop saying no
no matter how much it hurt
I wanted you to let me go
shoved against the cold dirt...

no longer a virgin
i barely knew what sex was
knew nothing about men
didnt know how to trust

i wonder what your doing now
if your doing it all over
i wonder if its my mothers fault somehow?
i mean, you'd just have to know her.

people say im not a victim
im a kid that made mistakes
but i just want to hit them
my tears can fill a lake

is that was love is?
never got to find out
i didnt know itd be like this
as u muffle my shouts

so over crying
done with this shit
felt like dying
for too many bits

i was a pure young virgin, who didnt know better
you made me feel loved if just for ten minutes
then you took it all away with everything in it.


(i felt like it would be easier to try this in poem form, and i am so glad i am done writing these letters that was really hard and i hope it helped...) thanks for being there while i share this!

dear mother

This is already hard. I just want to know why I was so easily replaced. When I was younger I never even realized I was a part of a split family. Then you get married and its all the sudden like I am thrown in this picture perfect family that I just dont understand how it happened. We used to spend so much time together before I was about 6 years old. Everything changed when you started having more kids. I am so glad you gave me three little half brothers, they are so refreshing, but its not about that. When Sam got diagnosed with Autism it was something I did not understand nor could comprehend, I was so young, I was only 10. And then everything changed. I know that he needed alot of attention but everything in the house was about that. I was a 10 year old that needed help with homework, that needed help wondering what was going on, but yet I just got thrown in this new life, with NO ONE to explain to me what was going on. Why did you blame everything on me at that point? Why was I the one for you to vent on, for you to yell at. Because your husband was at work and your son had autism? Thats not good enough reason for me. What did i do to you to deserve that? I was so young.
When I was 12 I got kicked out of school for defacing school property. I was screaming for attention. Thats all my fault, I know, I just want to say I am so sorry for that. I was completely selfish and I regret it everyday. You had so much going on and I had no right to make it so the attention was on me like that. That is the thing I am most sorry for. And even though you did all the wrong things, I think that was the last time you sincerely tried to help me without making yourself look better. I never got to thankyou for that, I am so sorry I put you through that hell. If I could take back that day I would in a heart beat. I dont think you will ever know how truly sorry I am for that. I am so sorry, nor did I realize how long this would take for me to type. Its really hard to, I am truly breaking down.

I'm about to bring up something that I never talk about and can never forgive you for. When I was 14 you and i were fighting non stop. I had already went to stay with my aunt for a month and had been home maybe a month. You told me to pack a few things and my dad was going to pick me up so we could "talk". I didnt think anything of it, coz i was so innocent. i did not know what you were capable of. My dad told me that I was going to live with him that night. Why did you lie to me? Why did you feel the need to just not tell me that night that you were kicking me out!? thats what you did, wheather you like it or not, you kicked me out! That was wednesday the 20th. I was heartbroken. I had nothing in me left.
On thursday the 21st of December 2006 I was raped by a 26 year old man, when I was 14. I had gone over my friends for an innocent spend the night, i wanted to rebel so badly. My own mother had abandoned me, had made me feel like i wasnt good enough. My friend had known this guy, he talked to me for ten minutes and made me feel like i was a good person becuase NO ONE ELSE DID. Before I knew what I got myself into I lost my virginity on a hardwood floor of an unfinished house. I kept on saying no but didnt resist. I did not know how to resist when someone was hurting me because of you mother. Because I would just deal with you hurting me emotionally everyday and having to deal with it. So i dealt with it.

I went 8 months without telling the truth to anyone.

Before the summer of 2007 you made me move back to your house. I still dont understand how someone can kick you out and then make you move back in. I was whiplashed. Especially because I could not even look at you let alone trust you. 8 months after my attack I told you.


Why did you make it seem like it was my fault.
I remember you saying "what did you think you were going to get icecream!? its your fault! you got in that car!"
how could u say that...
do u know how much that fucked me up?? And then you told people. You told my dad, you told my stepdad, you told friends of yours. I TRUSTED YOU, how many times was I going to trust you and you fuck it up!?? it wasn't fair!

Up until I was 16 you and I were fighting non stop about where I would live. I wanted to live with my father so bad, no not because I got my way like you think, but because i TRUSTED him. I dont think you understand was trust is.

I finally just left, went to a friends and said I am either living here or my dads. I cannot deal with the shit I got from you, the blame, the blame for everythning. You blamed me for a fucking 26 year old who forced himself inside me!? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU!? Why did you do that? Why did you treat me like that.

I am so tired of fighting with you, I am finally so happy and I truly think you are jealous I have found peace. But I am jealous of you. You have found love I believe, and I dont think i will ever be able to find that because of you. Because for the longest time I thought that loving was fighting, running, going back, and blame. Because thats just how I saw it, I had no other way of viewing it.

No, my life does not suck, and I am not writing this to complain, I just hope it helps me deal with some shit.
And of course there is so much other shit you did for me not to trust you and I dont have time for that. The fact of the matter is you did all the wrong things trying to raise me, you fucked me up, and I wish you luck with your new family. Because i wouldnt wish anything that happened to me on anyone else.

It hurts when you send texts telling me i was a shitty son and shit like i cant see my brothers. I have given my all to build a relationship with you, to forgive you. I have forgiven you so many times and there comes a time where the apologies dont match with the acceptances. Meaning its time to start fucking realize you fuck up. and how dare you text me and tell me I only do things when I get my way. What the fuck do you do for anyone else? You do all this work for autism research but the way you do it I know its just to get you attention. So everyone thinks your a perfect goddamn mother. Do you know how it feels that your friends dont even know I exist because you dont want them to know how much you fucked me up? really shitty of you.

I dont know if I can forgive you again because of so many bridges you have burned. I wish it was easier. Because I miss how life was before you got married, before i got raped, and before you were such a twat.

xo

complex

So if you know me you know that unfortunately I do enjoy the occasional reality television. My absolute favorite shows are self help therapy tv shows such as Tough Love and Sex Rehab. I end up tearing up in every episode. But I found that in the most recent episode of Tough Love and last weeks Sex Rehab i was effected the most. I was doing some research in my brain basically and found that I have so much unresolved personal shit. I mean, dont get me wrong, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life but I am still realizing all these little things about me. I'm not complaining just noticing. On the most recent episode of Tough Love they did an excercise where they write letters to their fathers and turns out that most of the girls have total daddy complex's weather it be their father is horrible and they are afraid there man will be horrible, their father left so they are afraid their man will leave. It makes me realize that I have a total mother complex. I am not sure if it is normal for a gay male to think of the reason why they are always alone is a mommy complex but it makes so much sense to me, especially now. So I kind of just wanted to write a couple letters maybe to get some stuff off my chest coz apparently it helped these people on the show. The first letter will be to my mother and the second to the man that sexually attacked me when I was 14. And I am already tearing up thinking about writing them, but its something I have never tried so I am just banking on it helping. So here goes...

past immaturity is rather hilarious looking back

HAHA out of nowhere i just rememebered something REALLY immature but in a way mature that i did a while ago when my mother and i were fighting. it was over the summer, and we got in a huge fight during are bimonthly lunch and she dropped me off at my house and told me not to talk to her again, etc, blah blah blah, and she kept on sending me the STUPIDEST facebook messages with cheesy ass videos. one was like god bless the broken road and it was i guess supposed to be so touching that i know longer thought she was a cunt anymore or something? instead i just realized i could send her a video back....




AHHHAHAHAHHAHAH i know that is SO immature but now looking back at it i cannot stop laughing! I mean it was a MUCH better alternative to me just calling her a stupid fucking bitch or something... coz i would never do that...

Its Good To Know Your Opinion Matters

So, the conference went well. it was basically done like a workshop. I believe most of the people involved were part of like the american psychological institution or something like that, one of the activities they had were a list of different words like homosexual, heterosexual, faggot, dyke, breeder, two-spirit, gay, queer, and other words. the task was for people to discuss what words they think are green, yellow, and red. for okay to say, iffy, and not acceptable. it was really interesting to hear peoples opinions and basically in the long run it all had to do with peoples perception and the context that it is used in. for a great example "queer" can be used as an AWFUL derogatory term that is really not okay to say. but also, people that i know identify as queer when they dont want to be put in a box (which we also talked about at the conference). It was only Ryan and I on the actual panel and at first I was worried I would not know what to do with the questions they gave us because at first they seemed pretty generic. But then people also asked questions for us to answer, and ryan gave me good topics to discuss. I got to talk about Outloud alot so I really appreciated that I got the chance to do that. Also, holly, the leader of outloud was at the conference and I am so glad, because I LOVE HER. Everyone was really nice at the conference and I felt like I got my point across really well. My main point is the necessity for sexual health education in high schools. that is a point that really needs to be adressed in general, because quite frankly the sexual health in high schools sucks. they give definitions, with no statistics, and no ways to seek info/materials of/for sexual health and sexual health education. I felt really welcomed even though i may have seemed rather nervous at first, and I probably was. I am still not used to being involved in advocacy for glbt rights even tho I work so much with outloud. Alltogether I am really glad i had the experience to do this it was really good to get my points across and feel as if my opinion matters. I have not gotten alot of that in the past, so hopefully this is the start of a good trend.

xx

VENT

OH MY GOD!!! YESTERDAY I TOOK THAT STUPID ASS PICTURE WITH MY MOMS FAMILY. IT WASNT THAT BAD BUT THE EVENTS OF TODAY MADE IT HORRIBLE. I AGREED TO DO THE PIC IF SHE WOULD TAKE ME TO THAT CONFERENCE (WHICH WENT GREAT I WILL BLOG ABOUT IT SOON) AND SO TODAY IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS GOING PRETTY WELL BUT THEN AFTER SHE PICKED ME UP WE STARTED FIGHTING ABOUT THE STUPIDEST SHIT. SHE IS ALL UPSET THAT I DIDNT GO TO THANKSGIVING WITH HER AND HER HUSBANDS FAMILY IN SAVANNAH. UM NO SHIT I WONT GO. I DONT BELONG TO YR FAMILY!!! THIS IS SO STUPID I CANT BELIEVE WE ARE FIGHTING YET AGAIN, AND I WAS FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!!! WORKING!!!! AND SHE IS UPSET AND LIKE YA YA YA YA RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT. I JUST CANT BELIEVE THAT I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT AND I DONT EVEN LIVE WITH HER. HOW MANY FUCKING BRIDGES CAN SHE BURN. SHE WAS ALL UPSET WITH ME COZ I SAID THAT AUNT ALLISON SHOULD COME DOWN FOR XMAS COZ ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. SHE IS BEING A BITCH FOR NOT LETTING MY AUNT ALI STAY AT HER HOUSE LIKE SHE SAID SHE WOULD. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT EITHER HER OR FUCKING SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN. I GET IT, I KNOW ITS HARD FOR HER BUT SHE DOES NOT NEED TO FLIP OUT ON ME. SHE LITTERALLY FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT, I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT. WHY DOES SHE CONSTANTLY DO THIS SHIT, I AM TRYING MY BEST TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER UGHHHHHHHH. REALLY... HOW MANY BRIDGES CAN A PERSON BURN??? SHE IS SUCH A SELF CENTERED EGOTISTICAL PRETENTIOUS SNOB WHO ONLY DOES THINGS WHEN ITS CONVIENENT TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE SHES FUCKING SUPER MOM. HER FUCKING FRIENDS DONT EVEN KNOW I EXIST. GOD HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES CAN I FLIP OUT LIKE THIS, FORGIVE HER AND TRY TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AGAIN. I WANT SO BADLY TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AND SHE DOES THIS SHIT.SHES SUCH A RIDICULOUS HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!


UGH, SORRY ABOUT THAT VENT. I FEEL LIKE DINA LOHAN.


btw, dont take any of this seriously.

So Pleased By Polly Scattergood