Sunday, December 6, 2009

dear mother

This is already hard. I just want to know why I was so easily replaced. When I was younger I never even realized I was a part of a split family. Then you get married and its all the sudden like I am thrown in this picture perfect family that I just dont understand how it happened. We used to spend so much time together before I was about 6 years old. Everything changed when you started having more kids. I am so glad you gave me three little half brothers, they are so refreshing, but its not about that. When Sam got diagnosed with Autism it was something I did not understand nor could comprehend, I was so young, I was only 10. And then everything changed. I know that he needed alot of attention but everything in the house was about that. I was a 10 year old that needed help with homework, that needed help wondering what was going on, but yet I just got thrown in this new life, with NO ONE to explain to me what was going on. Why did you blame everything on me at that point? Why was I the one for you to vent on, for you to yell at. Because your husband was at work and your son had autism? Thats not good enough reason for me. What did i do to you to deserve that? I was so young.
When I was 12 I got kicked out of school for defacing school property. I was screaming for attention. Thats all my fault, I know, I just want to say I am so sorry for that. I was completely selfish and I regret it everyday. You had so much going on and I had no right to make it so the attention was on me like that. That is the thing I am most sorry for. And even though you did all the wrong things, I think that was the last time you sincerely tried to help me without making yourself look better. I never got to thankyou for that, I am so sorry I put you through that hell. If I could take back that day I would in a heart beat. I dont think you will ever know how truly sorry I am for that. I am so sorry, nor did I realize how long this would take for me to type. Its really hard to, I am truly breaking down.

I'm about to bring up something that I never talk about and can never forgive you for. When I was 14 you and i were fighting non stop. I had already went to stay with my aunt for a month and had been home maybe a month. You told me to pack a few things and my dad was going to pick me up so we could "talk". I didnt think anything of it, coz i was so innocent. i did not know what you were capable of. My dad told me that I was going to live with him that night. Why did you lie to me? Why did you feel the need to just not tell me that night that you were kicking me out!? thats what you did, wheather you like it or not, you kicked me out! That was wednesday the 20th. I was heartbroken. I had nothing in me left.
On thursday the 21st of December 2006 I was raped by a 26 year old man, when I was 14. I had gone over my friends for an innocent spend the night, i wanted to rebel so badly. My own mother had abandoned me, had made me feel like i wasnt good enough. My friend had known this guy, he talked to me for ten minutes and made me feel like i was a good person becuase NO ONE ELSE DID. Before I knew what I got myself into I lost my virginity on a hardwood floor of an unfinished house. I kept on saying no but didnt resist. I did not know how to resist when someone was hurting me because of you mother. Because I would just deal with you hurting me emotionally everyday and having to deal with it. So i dealt with it.

I went 8 months without telling the truth to anyone.

Before the summer of 2007 you made me move back to your house. I still dont understand how someone can kick you out and then make you move back in. I was whiplashed. Especially because I could not even look at you let alone trust you. 8 months after my attack I told you.

Why did you make it seem like it was my fault.
I remember you saying "what did you think you were going to get icecream!? its your fault! you got in that car!"
how could u say that...
do u know how much that fucked me up?? And then you told people. You told my dad, you told my stepdad, you told friends of yours. I TRUSTED YOU, how many times was I going to trust you and you fuck it up!?? it wasn't fair!

Up until I was 16 you and I were fighting non stop about where I would live. I wanted to live with my father so bad, no not because I got my way like you think, but because i TRUSTED him. I dont think you understand was trust is.

I finally just left, went to a friends and said I am either living here or my dads. I cannot deal with the shit I got from you, the blame, the blame for everythning. You blamed me for a fucking 26 year old who forced himself inside me!? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU!? Why did you do that? Why did you treat me like that.

I am so tired of fighting with you, I am finally so happy and I truly think you are jealous I have found peace. But I am jealous of you. You have found love I believe, and I dont think i will ever be able to find that because of you. Because for the longest time I thought that loving was fighting, running, going back, and blame. Because thats just how I saw it, I had no other way of viewing it.

No, my life does not suck, and I am not writing this to complain, I just hope it helps me deal with some shit.
And of course there is so much other shit you did for me not to trust you and I dont have time for that. The fact of the matter is you did all the wrong things trying to raise me, you fucked me up, and I wish you luck with your new family. Because i wouldnt wish anything that happened to me on anyone else.

It hurts when you send texts telling me i was a shitty son and shit like i cant see my brothers. I have given my all to build a relationship with you, to forgive you. I have forgiven you so many times and there comes a time where the apologies dont match with the acceptances. Meaning its time to start fucking realize you fuck up. and how dare you text me and tell me I only do things when I get my way. What the fuck do you do for anyone else? You do all this work for autism research but the way you do it I know its just to get you attention. So everyone thinks your a perfect goddamn mother. Do you know how it feels that your friends dont even know I exist because you dont want them to know how much you fucked me up? really shitty of you.

I dont know if I can forgive you again because of so many bridges you have burned. I wish it was easier. Because I miss how life was before you got married, before i got raped, and before you were such a twat.


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