Monday, November 30, 2009

Decisions, Decisions

After careful consideration, talking about it with my Daddy & My Twitter Followers I decided to do the picture. I figured it would make my mother happy. And even though I do not owe her anything I think this maybe will show her that its possible to be nice to someone and help someone out without they want in an unselfish way. Does that make any sense. I mean I spent over 16 years of my life in her own personal hell. Trapped in an existential pit of self loathing because of the way she made me feel. The way she brushed off my rape like it was my fault. The way she vented on me because she had no where else to vent, the way she trapped me from seeing my father, the nights she would scream at me and tell me I equated to nothing, etc ; all of that does not matter right now. I am at a completely different stage in my life. I am not in the stage of hatred I had towards my mother around a year ago. Granted, I do not forgive her for anything nor do I think she grasps how much she fucked me up, but I do not think it matters. I can tell she needs to feel like she has me there somewhat. I never wanted to be excommunicated from her truly, and I hate that basically that is what ended up happening. But ya know what, its a fucking christmas card. If that makes her that fucking happy, I will do it. I do not think she has really done much to make me happy, but maybe this will show her its okay to do things you dont like for the sake of others and maybe she will start doing things such as that. Everyone thinks she is so fucking great for all the work she does with special needs children and they are surprised when she has a kid from her wild past living away from her. So thats another reason I want to do the picture. I think its hilarious when her friends comment on her facebook- You have a kid in college!?!?! At first, I didnt think it was funny but it is going to be hilarious seeing peoples comments on the picture! Haha! I will be sure to post the picture, we are taking it tommorrow!

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