Is Giving In The Best Choice Sometimes?

So... my mother sent me a text message today and asked if I could come over tuesday or wednesday to take a photo with her family. For their christmas card. I was truly perplexed at first as to why she would even ask. Like, that just does not make any sense to me at all... but then it hit me... She still has this idea we are some perfect family even though we barely communicate. We never have been a perfect family. I was always the kid she had out of wedlock before she met the man of her dreams and had her own little family with him, and thats how it is. That is how it has always been. And that doesnt bother me at ALL. But what does bother me is the fact that my mother does not accept the fact that I am not a part of that image that she wants. I told her that I am not sure if I feel comfortable doing that but I will think about it and get back to her. That is so true, I would feel SO very uncomfortable being in a picture with them. Especially after what a fucked up year it has been. I mean, I cannot believe all of the shit thats gone down with me and her this past year. I just have so much thinking to do. I know it would be the "mature" thing to do and because of that reason I want to do it in a heart beat, so I do not seem like a brat. But then again, this is not about any of that. I know that if I "give in" to this it will just have my mother right up on her high horse again with her thinking she is in control of me. She needs to realize at this point the whole her being in control thing of me is over, and I do not want to give her a taste of what that is like again. I will be treated like shit even more than i have in the past. I love the idea of a family being picture perfect (in the best sense of the word) but If I pose in this picture I do not know if I can look at my self in the mirror without thinking I gave in and did not hold on to my own boundaries. Because I have to set up some boundaries against her. I do not want to get as hurt as I did again. I cannot afford that, I am the happiest I have ever been in a long time. Ever. I just have no idea what to do...

Being Fine

People are going to read my last blog and freak the fuck out. I am not falling off the deep end again! Haha! My hair is staying on my head, and im not popping strange pills! haha! Everything is good right now and i am not off the deep end i PROMISE.

Being at tech is a great experience. I have met some amazing people (and some losers, haha) and formed some AMAZING friendships. I have kept a few old friends that are still at Dreher and I mean a few.

I am perfectly happy, although i should work on my math grade! haha! But yes, i am fine with everything thats been happening lately. My mother and i are... on speaking terms.... i went to her house to use her printer yesterday! Wow! thats a big step!


I know alot of people dont read this but i do want to thank everyone that helped me get where i am right now. I had to deal with alot of demons and regret in the last two years but I found that sometimes starting over is the best thing to do. So i shaved my head and left my school, yes a little drastic, but everything seemed to work it self out in the long run.

I love everyone :)