err, yeah do it

its anonymous. so why not????

being single is all its cracked up to be

sike.

getting in that holiday spirit!!!!

I am SO excited for friday night! Stephen and Nicki and I are having our own lil christmas. Omg its going to be so much fun, we went ALL OUT!!! Got a tree, loads of gifts, stockings, all sorts!!!! its going to be SUCH a blast! I got Stephen and Nicki matching pillow cases from urban outfitters with their initials on them! like his and her pillows. and considering they are such amazing friends they WONT read my blog haha. among loads of other things i got them too! But they wont start reading my blog within the next 20hours for sure haha. but collectivly i spent like 200 dollars on them haha, not that its about the money haha cos its totally not! I wonder what they got me, they keep on dropping hints to confuse me. I love them so much, and I am so blessed to finnaly have friends like them. I am also really blessed because this will be the closest thing to a NORMAL christmas i ever had. i know they are my age and not old enoough to be my parents but its almost a similar concept, a male and female figure getting gifts for me. hahah so cheasy, i know but WHATEVER. I will be sure to be taking pictures. omg nicki is taking stephen to fucking DC for his present, so jealous! and he is getting her an ipod! lol true love, it is just SO sweet! so so sweet when i see da true love mon, they are just great friends! so happy to finally be on break from school, and i am now officially in that holiday spirit! hope everything is good with everyone ttyl xoxoxoxoxooxoxxooxoxoo

just maybe

why are boys so complicated? is it possible to feel connected to someone so much just by so few conversations with them. how long does it take till you can tell you like someone? how long does it take for someone to break you is more like the question. i really wish it were all so much more simpler than this. I just wish i had that prince who could sweep me off my feet with my baggage and all. even if that prince has similar baggage to me especially when it comes to relationships. especially if. is he really my prince if i have to wait for him like this? to sort out yet again what he wants, scared that its not going to be me, yet again, story of my damn life. i wish i could just take a deep breath and blow down all the walls that shroud relationships. maybe im just too sensitive but being a gemini i go back and forth on what i want alot, but this... this stays pretty constant... i am pretty sure i want this prince... but maybe i am just sensitive and too quick to jump into things. maybe im just a crazy fucking gemini who is off the rails again. everythings a maybe when when you are talking about this shit. fucking everything.

im here when you are ready

story of my life.

Never Too Sure

So today I took an HIV test. Its negative, i dont have HIV or any HIV antibodies, want to go ahead and get that out of the way. I wasnt too worried honestly, but you know what they say, one of yr sexual partners makes u all of their sexual partners partner as well. So I just thought I should get a test. I always use protection and havent had any sexual contact since august so I dont have to go back for a check up or anything, I definately dont have it. Its a relief to know. I suggest everyone get an HIV test regurally. If you live in my state PALSS is a great place to go! www.palss.org it was completely free and confidential, and everyone there was so nice. The test itself only took 10 minutes and i was at the doctors only about 30 minutes. So why not get tested? I suggest everyone do it, because its always good to be sure. :)

nevertheless

I cannot believe I agreed to do this... I feel so fake. I cannot believe I gave in expecting something to do different. its all the same, the bridges are all burnt. I am not proud of myself for this.

Dear Rapist

Thats what you are
Looking like a knight
only from a far
i didnt put a fight
because i just didnt know
how to do it right

you told me to stop saying no
no matter how much it hurt
I wanted you to let me go
shoved against the cold dirt...

no longer a virgin
i barely knew what sex was
knew nothing about men
didnt know how to trust

i wonder what your doing now
if your doing it all over
i wonder if its my mothers fault somehow?
i mean, you'd just have to know her.

people say im not a victim
im a kid that made mistakes
but i just want to hit them
my tears can fill a lake

is that was love is?
never got to find out
i didnt know itd be like this
as u muffle my shouts

so over crying
done with this shit
felt like dying
for too many bits

i was a pure young virgin, who didnt know better
you made me feel loved if just for ten minutes
then you took it all away with everything in it.


(i felt like it would be easier to try this in poem form, and i am so glad i am done writing these letters that was really hard and i hope it helped...) thanks for being there while i share this!

dear mother

This is already hard. I just want to know why I was so easily replaced. When I was younger I never even realized I was a part of a split family. Then you get married and its all the sudden like I am thrown in this picture perfect family that I just dont understand how it happened. We used to spend so much time together before I was about 6 years old. Everything changed when you started having more kids. I am so glad you gave me three little half brothers, they are so refreshing, but its not about that. When Sam got diagnosed with Autism it was something I did not understand nor could comprehend, I was so young, I was only 10. And then everything changed. I know that he needed alot of attention but everything in the house was about that. I was a 10 year old that needed help with homework, that needed help wondering what was going on, but yet I just got thrown in this new life, with NO ONE to explain to me what was going on. Why did you blame everything on me at that point? Why was I the one for you to vent on, for you to yell at. Because your husband was at work and your son had autism? Thats not good enough reason for me. What did i do to you to deserve that? I was so young.
When I was 12 I got kicked out of school for defacing school property. I was screaming for attention. Thats all my fault, I know, I just want to say I am so sorry for that. I was completely selfish and I regret it everyday. You had so much going on and I had no right to make it so the attention was on me like that. That is the thing I am most sorry for. And even though you did all the wrong things, I think that was the last time you sincerely tried to help me without making yourself look better. I never got to thankyou for that, I am so sorry I put you through that hell. If I could take back that day I would in a heart beat. I dont think you will ever know how truly sorry I am for that. I am so sorry, nor did I realize how long this would take for me to type. Its really hard to, I am truly breaking down.

I'm about to bring up something that I never talk about and can never forgive you for. When I was 14 you and i were fighting non stop. I had already went to stay with my aunt for a month and had been home maybe a month. You told me to pack a few things and my dad was going to pick me up so we could "talk". I didnt think anything of it, coz i was so innocent. i did not know what you were capable of. My dad told me that I was going to live with him that night. Why did you lie to me? Why did you feel the need to just not tell me that night that you were kicking me out!? thats what you did, wheather you like it or not, you kicked me out! That was wednesday the 20th. I was heartbroken. I had nothing in me left.
On thursday the 21st of December 2006 I was raped by a 26 year old man, when I was 14. I had gone over my friends for an innocent spend the night, i wanted to rebel so badly. My own mother had abandoned me, had made me feel like i wasnt good enough. My friend had known this guy, he talked to me for ten minutes and made me feel like i was a good person becuase NO ONE ELSE DID. Before I knew what I got myself into I lost my virginity on a hardwood floor of an unfinished house. I kept on saying no but didnt resist. I did not know how to resist when someone was hurting me because of you mother. Because I would just deal with you hurting me emotionally everyday and having to deal with it. So i dealt with it.

I went 8 months without telling the truth to anyone.

Before the summer of 2007 you made me move back to your house. I still dont understand how someone can kick you out and then make you move back in. I was whiplashed. Especially because I could not even look at you let alone trust you. 8 months after my attack I told you.


Why did you make it seem like it was my fault.
I remember you saying "what did you think you were going to get icecream!? its your fault! you got in that car!"
how could u say that...
do u know how much that fucked me up?? And then you told people. You told my dad, you told my stepdad, you told friends of yours. I TRUSTED YOU, how many times was I going to trust you and you fuck it up!?? it wasn't fair!

Up until I was 16 you and I were fighting non stop about where I would live. I wanted to live with my father so bad, no not because I got my way like you think, but because i TRUSTED him. I dont think you understand was trust is.

I finally just left, went to a friends and said I am either living here or my dads. I cannot deal with the shit I got from you, the blame, the blame for everythning. You blamed me for a fucking 26 year old who forced himself inside me!? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU!? Why did you do that? Why did you treat me like that.

I am so tired of fighting with you, I am finally so happy and I truly think you are jealous I have found peace. But I am jealous of you. You have found love I believe, and I dont think i will ever be able to find that because of you. Because for the longest time I thought that loving was fighting, running, going back, and blame. Because thats just how I saw it, I had no other way of viewing it.

No, my life does not suck, and I am not writing this to complain, I just hope it helps me deal with some shit.
And of course there is so much other shit you did for me not to trust you and I dont have time for that. The fact of the matter is you did all the wrong things trying to raise me, you fucked me up, and I wish you luck with your new family. Because i wouldnt wish anything that happened to me on anyone else.

It hurts when you send texts telling me i was a shitty son and shit like i cant see my brothers. I have given my all to build a relationship with you, to forgive you. I have forgiven you so many times and there comes a time where the apologies dont match with the acceptances. Meaning its time to start fucking realize you fuck up. and how dare you text me and tell me I only do things when I get my way. What the fuck do you do for anyone else? You do all this work for autism research but the way you do it I know its just to get you attention. So everyone thinks your a perfect goddamn mother. Do you know how it feels that your friends dont even know I exist because you dont want them to know how much you fucked me up? really shitty of you.

I dont know if I can forgive you again because of so many bridges you have burned. I wish it was easier. Because I miss how life was before you got married, before i got raped, and before you were such a twat.

xo

complex

So if you know me you know that unfortunately I do enjoy the occasional reality television. My absolute favorite shows are self help therapy tv shows such as Tough Love and Sex Rehab. I end up tearing up in every episode. But I found that in the most recent episode of Tough Love and last weeks Sex Rehab i was effected the most. I was doing some research in my brain basically and found that I have so much unresolved personal shit. I mean, dont get me wrong, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life but I am still realizing all these little things about me. I'm not complaining just noticing. On the most recent episode of Tough Love they did an excercise where they write letters to their fathers and turns out that most of the girls have total daddy complex's weather it be their father is horrible and they are afraid there man will be horrible, their father left so they are afraid their man will leave. It makes me realize that I have a total mother complex. I am not sure if it is normal for a gay male to think of the reason why they are always alone is a mommy complex but it makes so much sense to me, especially now. So I kind of just wanted to write a couple letters maybe to get some stuff off my chest coz apparently it helped these people on the show. The first letter will be to my mother and the second to the man that sexually attacked me when I was 14. And I am already tearing up thinking about writing them, but its something I have never tried so I am just banking on it helping. So here goes...

past immaturity is rather hilarious looking back

HAHA out of nowhere i just rememebered something REALLY immature but in a way mature that i did a while ago when my mother and i were fighting. it was over the summer, and we got in a huge fight during are bimonthly lunch and she dropped me off at my house and told me not to talk to her again, etc, blah blah blah, and she kept on sending me the STUPIDEST facebook messages with cheesy ass videos. one was like god bless the broken road and it was i guess supposed to be so touching that i know longer thought she was a cunt anymore or something? instead i just realized i could send her a video back....




AHHHAHAHAHHAHAH i know that is SO immature but now looking back at it i cannot stop laughing! I mean it was a MUCH better alternative to me just calling her a stupid fucking bitch or something... coz i would never do that...

Its Good To Know Your Opinion Matters

So, the conference went well. it was basically done like a workshop. I believe most of the people involved were part of like the american psychological institution or something like that, one of the activities they had were a list of different words like homosexual, heterosexual, faggot, dyke, breeder, two-spirit, gay, queer, and other words. the task was for people to discuss what words they think are green, yellow, and red. for okay to say, iffy, and not acceptable. it was really interesting to hear peoples opinions and basically in the long run it all had to do with peoples perception and the context that it is used in. for a great example "queer" can be used as an AWFUL derogatory term that is really not okay to say. but also, people that i know identify as queer when they dont want to be put in a box (which we also talked about at the conference). It was only Ryan and I on the actual panel and at first I was worried I would not know what to do with the questions they gave us because at first they seemed pretty generic. But then people also asked questions for us to answer, and ryan gave me good topics to discuss. I got to talk about Outloud alot so I really appreciated that I got the chance to do that. Also, holly, the leader of outloud was at the conference and I am so glad, because I LOVE HER. Everyone was really nice at the conference and I felt like I got my point across really well. My main point is the necessity for sexual health education in high schools. that is a point that really needs to be adressed in general, because quite frankly the sexual health in high schools sucks. they give definitions, with no statistics, and no ways to seek info/materials of/for sexual health and sexual health education. I felt really welcomed even though i may have seemed rather nervous at first, and I probably was. I am still not used to being involved in advocacy for glbt rights even tho I work so much with outloud. Alltogether I am really glad i had the experience to do this it was really good to get my points across and feel as if my opinion matters. I have not gotten alot of that in the past, so hopefully this is the start of a good trend.

xx

VENT

OH MY GOD!!! YESTERDAY I TOOK THAT STUPID ASS PICTURE WITH MY MOMS FAMILY. IT WASNT THAT BAD BUT THE EVENTS OF TODAY MADE IT HORRIBLE. I AGREED TO DO THE PIC IF SHE WOULD TAKE ME TO THAT CONFERENCE (WHICH WENT GREAT I WILL BLOG ABOUT IT SOON) AND SO TODAY IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS GOING PRETTY WELL BUT THEN AFTER SHE PICKED ME UP WE STARTED FIGHTING ABOUT THE STUPIDEST SHIT. SHE IS ALL UPSET THAT I DIDNT GO TO THANKSGIVING WITH HER AND HER HUSBANDS FAMILY IN SAVANNAH. UM NO SHIT I WONT GO. I DONT BELONG TO YR FAMILY!!! THIS IS SO STUPID I CANT BELIEVE WE ARE FIGHTING YET AGAIN, AND I WAS FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!!! WORKING!!!! AND SHE IS UPSET AND LIKE YA YA YA YA RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT. I JUST CANT BELIEVE THAT I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT AND I DONT EVEN LIVE WITH HER. HOW MANY FUCKING BRIDGES CAN SHE BURN. SHE WAS ALL UPSET WITH ME COZ I SAID THAT AUNT ALLISON SHOULD COME DOWN FOR XMAS COZ ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. SHE IS BEING A BITCH FOR NOT LETTING MY AUNT ALI STAY AT HER HOUSE LIKE SHE SAID SHE WOULD. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT EITHER HER OR FUCKING SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN. I GET IT, I KNOW ITS HARD FOR HER BUT SHE DOES NOT NEED TO FLIP OUT ON ME. SHE LITTERALLY FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT, I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT. WHY DOES SHE CONSTANTLY DO THIS SHIT, I AM TRYING MY BEST TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER UGHHHHHHHH. REALLY... HOW MANY BRIDGES CAN A PERSON BURN??? SHE IS SUCH A SELF CENTERED EGOTISTICAL PRETENTIOUS SNOB WHO ONLY DOES THINGS WHEN ITS CONVIENENT TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE SHES FUCKING SUPER MOM. HER FUCKING FRIENDS DONT EVEN KNOW I EXIST. GOD HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES CAN I FLIP OUT LIKE THIS, FORGIVE HER AND TRY TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AGAIN. I WANT SO BADLY TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AND SHE DOES THIS SHIT.SHES SUCH A RIDICULOUS HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!


UGH, SORRY ABOUT THAT VENT. I FEEL LIKE DINA LOHAN.


btw, dont take any of this seriously.

So Pleased By Polly Scattergood

Whatever Happened To Wishful Thinking?

Weather.com is telling me that wednesday has 100% Chance of Rain. The entire day. At first I thought, no, this must be a mistake. This MUST say 10% and i just took too much Nyquil. but NOPE, Weather is being predicted as just that. Basically saying your gonna get wet wednesday. And its so strange because Tuesday is supposed to be so beautiful! I mean come on weather.com, dont be such a buzzkill mcgee. I mean, really. Rain is nice, i LOVE rain but seeing that there is a 100 percent chance you wont be able to walk outside without getting wet all day wednesday really is the biggest bummer. oh well. I will be sending positive vibes out as usal trying to make the day as good as possible. Just because the suns not in the sky doesnt mean the sun cant be in your attitude! Live for the day!

yeah, i have had to much nyquil now that i think about it...

Well I Feel Like A Big Deal

I feel kind of like a big deal! I was asked by Ryan Wilson, the President Of SC Pride to be on a panel with him for GLBT Youth in SC. The Conference is part of a training called "Preventing Health Risks & Promoting Healthy Outcomes Among LGBQ Youth" and I will be one of two (or three) youth on the actual panel. Apparently what I will have to talk about is how coming out has affected me in schools is what I believe their focusing on in general. Oh and I get paid, thats always nice. Haha. I am just really excited that Ryan picked me it just makes me feel like a hot shot big deal haha considering he runs the whole damn pride coalition in South Carolina. He asked me and Stephen because of the work we do with Outloud In The Midlands which is a gay youth group I am a leader of in SC. I feel like its really good I help out in my community with things like this because especially since I am living in the south its neccesary for me to let other youth know that there are other people like them in the south. I wonder how many people will be there? I do not know much about it, except for what I told you. I know that I am very excited! I mean, its pretty damn exciting!


Who else is getting excited for the holidays?! I get so cheery this time of the year! But My face gets so dry! Really unfortunate!

Decisions, Decisions

After careful consideration, talking about it with my Daddy & My Twitter Followers I decided to do the picture. I figured it would make my mother happy. And even though I do not owe her anything I think this maybe will show her that its possible to be nice to someone and help someone out without they want in an unselfish way. Does that make any sense. I mean I spent over 16 years of my life in her own personal hell. Trapped in an existential pit of self loathing because of the way she made me feel. The way she brushed off my rape like it was my fault. The way she vented on me because she had no where else to vent, the way she trapped me from seeing my father, the nights she would scream at me and tell me I equated to nothing, etc ; all of that does not matter right now. I am at a completely different stage in my life. I am not in the stage of hatred I had towards my mother around a year ago. Granted, I do not forgive her for anything nor do I think she grasps how much she fucked me up, but I do not think it matters. I can tell she needs to feel like she has me there somewhat. I never wanted to be excommunicated from her truly, and I hate that basically that is what ended up happening. But ya know what, its a fucking christmas card. If that makes her that fucking happy, I will do it. I do not think she has really done much to make me happy, but maybe this will show her its okay to do things you dont like for the sake of others and maybe she will start doing things such as that. Everyone thinks she is so fucking great for all the work she does with special needs children and they are surprised when she has a kid from her wild past living away from her. So thats another reason I want to do the picture. I think its hilarious when her friends comment on her facebook- You have a kid in college!?!?! At first, I didnt think it was funny but it is going to be hilarious seeing peoples comments on the picture! Haha! I will be sure to post the picture, we are taking it tommorrow!

Is Giving In The Best Choice Sometimes?

So... my mother sent me a text message today and asked if I could come over tuesday or wednesday to take a photo with her family. For their christmas card. I was truly perplexed at first as to why she would even ask. Like, that just does not make any sense to me at all... but then it hit me... She still has this idea we are some perfect family even though we barely communicate. We never have been a perfect family. I was always the kid she had out of wedlock before she met the man of her dreams and had her own little family with him, and thats how it is. That is how it has always been. And that doesnt bother me at ALL. But what does bother me is the fact that my mother does not accept the fact that I am not a part of that image that she wants. I told her that I am not sure if I feel comfortable doing that but I will think about it and get back to her. That is so true, I would feel SO very uncomfortable being in a picture with them. Especially after what a fucked up year it has been. I mean, I cannot believe all of the shit thats gone down with me and her this past year. I just have so much thinking to do. I know it would be the "mature" thing to do and because of that reason I want to do it in a heart beat, so I do not seem like a brat. But then again, this is not about any of that. I know that if I "give in" to this it will just have my mother right up on her high horse again with her thinking she is in control of me. She needs to realize at this point the whole her being in control thing of me is over, and I do not want to give her a taste of what that is like again. I will be treated like shit even more than i have in the past. I love the idea of a family being picture perfect (in the best sense of the word) but If I pose in this picture I do not know if I can look at my self in the mirror without thinking I gave in and did not hold on to my own boundaries. Because I have to set up some boundaries against her. I do not want to get as hurt as I did again. I cannot afford that, I am the happiest I have ever been in a long time. Ever. I just have no idea what to do...

Some Writing

Some writing I did a couple of months ago when i was VERY lost, but now it is all good. Just thought i would still share it.

A pit is so much worse than a rut. If you are in a rut, the edges are smoothed down and channeling towards the end, all you have is a long climb out. When you are in a rut there is no visible way to get out. How does someone get out of a pit? No one expects to fall into one so it’s not as if you can plan on it. Sure if you are in a literal pit someone can throw a rope, ask for help, etc. What if you are in the kind of pit that no one can tell you’re in? It is an emotional pit of existentialism. One in which, basically, you are getting nowhere with anything.

There will be times where your head is sticking out of the pit. You think everything is better, for a few moments. Those times are always face-slapping mirages. It is the worst feeling to know that you are stuck in a pit. People will spit, shit, rape, set fire, and other horrible things to you while you are in the pit; because they know that they can.

So much to say... So little Strength Left

I am so sorry to anyone that cares that i havent blogged in forever. unfortunately this will be a short blog because i am so tired, and also i apoligize for all the grammar and spelling errors. I am just so tired, please forgive me haha.
I am going to just say the good news. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I cant say I have ever been happier and i dont know why i am crying right now but it just started happenging. I am realizing how happy i am, and it is so beautiful. and i am really tired im sorry. SCHOOL IS GOING GREAT, i finally get math and for the first time ever i have an A in math. I am so proud of myself. I did it without my mother too. So its like a slap in the face to her coz when i was living with her one of the reasons she didnt want me to leave is coz she thought i would lose track of my school work. the facts are i was the most lost at her place. now that i am happy, i am really buckling down. wow. it is gonna be a great next years ahead of me. I promise to post new stuff soon, reviews, thoughts, etc. but i am much to tired now. I just wanted to tell everyone how happy i was. thanks! xx!

da human raze

i feel like i am slowly losing all faith in everyone. friends seem like figments. i pray to whoever that i am not falling deep into an existential pit that i have once been in before. i have so many reasons to be happy but i seem as if i fail on certain human emotions everyone should get an A in. such as, trust. i think all humans are the same. even me. we are all the same. it doesnt matter if you are black, purple, brown, gay, bi, curious, republican, socialist, liberal, interesting, thoughtful, or shy. we all shit, and we all are shit.

Deliciously Trashy- SC State Fair

This year, i just truly did not have that fair urge that everyone my age seems to get around this time of the year. I think mainly this is because I went to Carowinds with some buddies right before the school year started. So that just makes me think that nothing can compare to Carowinds after going, especially a fair in trashy South Carolina. And of course, I was right. The Seniors in The Middle College program at Midlands Tech recently had the wonderful opportunity to visit the South Carolina State Fair for a day. There was supposedly an assignment but that just turned into going to the fair from open to 3 PM, all expenses paid, just bring cash for food. Thats an awesome opportunity and I am glad my school gives us weird random things like this so everyone can get along an adjust to how weird this program we are in is, because it is all pretty shotty administration and last minute put together things, but as in most cases... its the thought/attempt that counts.
The fair didn't suck, but really Carowinds is obviously so much better. In the long run carowinds is cheaper, and has a HELL of a lot more. I mean, if I would have had to pay for the fair, its 8 dollars just to get in and 23 dollars for a wrist band. Carowinds is just 30, if you pay online. I mean, come on, its worth the drive.
And also with the fair being in South Carolina it has all sorts of things I would not like to see. Fleece Covered Fatasses, Chocolate Covered Bacon, and Bitter Attitude Covered Ex-Boyfriends. Lets not forget the sexy south african Carnies that look like they will gang rape your thirteen year old myspace queen daughter and go set up the next fair in the next state the next week.
The Fair is also dirty, just dirty, I mean its South Carolina we cant expect much, but this is pretty dirty. Its almost like for the past 10-20 years people have been holding on to this novelty of the fair like its some amazing carnival everyone sees in the old-timey films. People need to realize that shit is over. People really need to face the facts that the only reason people go to the fair is because they have this amazing idea and EVERYONE wants to go. Well news flash, everyone wants to go because you want to go because its there. Sally is Johnny's BFF, Sallys going to the fair, so is Johnny. And it works vice versa. You really think people think its COOL to go on rides that throw you all over the place that were put up in three hours by horny south africans on crystal meth? totally rad idea.
But people go, because its about friendship. Hell, I'm going to be honest, I'm going back to the Fair tomorrow. Because my friend really wanted to go. Its about socializing in an environment you arent used to. But in the long run, The SC State Fair is what everyone in SC is used to. Trashy people, shitty attitudes, long lines, and greasy food. Plus the occasional ride that claims one persons life every year. See you there : )

Chatting with Polly Scattergood

totally seem like a stalker/loser for doing this but i just got so excited!! omg!!! :)))) hahaa this was on her tinychat thing, idk what it was exactly ahha. but it was AMAZING all five minutes of it ahaha.

[20:35] Type /help for a list of commands

[20:35] Topic: Online Party Starts tomorrow 9.45pm5

[20:36] guest-13456 changed nickname to todayswithalex

[20:36] todayswithalex: hey polly!!!!!

[20:36] guest-13489 entered the room

[20:36] todayswithalex: yr my absolute hero i swear! much love from the states!

[20:36] guest-13501 entered the room

[20:36] pollyworld: Ok how does this thing work...?

[20:37] guest-13509 entered the room

[20:37] todayswithalex: haha i guess we just type and press enter!!!

[20:37] todayswithalex: haha

[20:37] guest-13515 entered the room

[20:37] pollyworld: yeah someone said there was a video option...

[20:37] pollyworld: but I am not sure

[20:37] guest-13501 changed nickname to vonbrucken

[20:37] todayswithalex: hmmmm.... this is my first time on it! haha

[20:37] vonbrucken: hello back

[20:37] todayswithalex: so im not sure!

[20:37] vonbrucken: so you see it is easy :)

[20:38] pollyworld: ok I don't know if I want to have my party here or on twitter what do you think?

[20:38] todayswithalex: hmm this will show up right away without refreshing, so maybe this

[20:38] vonbrucken: well every twitter followers will know

[20:38] vonbrucken: where is the chat

[20:38] vonbrucken: as you wish

[20:38] todayswithalex: maybe that would make the most sense

[20:39] guest-13577 entered the room

[20:39] guest-13577 changed nickname to littlefurybug

[20:39] todayswithalex: polly, the cam thing is up, but theres no video!

[20:39] vonbrucken: people can connect with twitter and facebook accounts

[20:39] guest-13597 entered the room

[20:39] todayswithalex: yeah thats what i ddi

[20:40] pollyworld: did anyone see me,I tried to get the camera working?!

[20:40] guest-13597 changed nickname to sitaggart

[20:40] todayswithalex: it didnt work!!

[20:40] vonbrucken: I won't turn my cam on as I am in my bed already lol

[20:40] todayswithalex: the cam thing showed up but no video :(

[20:40] pollyworld: oh maybe I will try and get it working for tomorrow!

[20:40] vonbrucken: hehe

[20:40] todayswithalex: yeah web cams are so tricky and incompotent! haha

[20:40] littlefurybug: hellooo, can't stay i'm afraid I've got a headache coming :(

[20:40] pollyworld: ok I kinda like this... I think I will host my party here.. are you all coming?

[20:41] vonbrucken: time to smoke a joint for me and then going to sleep

[20:41] littlefurybug: but I thought I'd pop in just to say hello and goodnight haha

[20:41] todayswithalex: waht time!??!

[20:41] vonbrucken: it is a great service imho

[20:41] todayswithalex: 930 right?

[20:41] pollyworld: 9.45pm bring wine and a virtual friend if you want!

[20:41] vonbrucken: hehe

[20:41] pollyworld: the neighbours won't compain if the music is loud will they?!

[20:42] vonbrucken: my neighbours will

[20:42] vonbrucken: :'(

[20:42] todayswithalex: haha heck no!!! i will bring the wine and i will be representing the states haha

[20:42] littlefurybug: I may turn up :)

[20:42] sitaggart: I'll

[20:42] sitaggart: repres

[20:42] sitaggart: ent

[20:42] vonbrucken: uh btw it is 9.45 england time ?

[20:42] sitaggart:

[20:42] pollyworld: yey... spread the word...the more gate crashers the better!

[20:42] vonbrucken: hehe

[20:42] pollyworld: yeah its 9.45pm UK time tomorrow!

[20:42] vonbrucken: it will be a mess

[20:42] littlefurybug: will do :P

[20:42] todayswithalex: oh yeah wat time is that in US eastern time

[20:42] todayswithalex: haha

[20:43] pollyworld: not sure

[20:43] sitaggart: wtf

[20:43] littlefurybug: 4.45

[20:43] todayswithalex: NO WAY

[20:43] vonbrucken: somethin glike 3pm

[20:43] sitaggart: craz

[20:43] pollyworld: no idea

[20:43] vonbrucken: or something like that

[20:43] todayswithalex: shit are u serious? i have class till 525 :((((

[20:43] todayswithalex: so sad

[20:43] littlefurybug: 8 is 3pm eastern I think

[20:43] todayswithalex: :(((

[20:43] littlefurybug: so 9.45, 4.45

[20:44] todayswithalex: dammit. i have class till 5:25

[20:44] todayswithalex: thats a bummer

[20:44] vonbrucken: hehe

[20:44] pollyworld: so one question how do people know to come here rather than twitter? or Facebook? or myspace?

[20:44] vonbrucken: don't go to school then

[20:44] vonbrucken: tell them you are sick

[20:44] vonbrucken: lol

[20:44] pollyworld: thats naughty.... but a good option ;-) x

[20:44] todayswithalex: i have to get an education silly!

[20:44] pollyworld: true

[20:45] todayswithalex: but i maaaaaay just do it

[20:45] todayswithalex: hahha

[20:45] vonbrucken: uh just a second I wiill read the FAQ

[20:45] vonbrucken: to know the limit

[20:45] guest-13782 entered the room

[20:45] todayswithalex: polly what are some of your favorite films? im lookin for some good ones to review

[20:45] guest-13785 entered the room

[20:46] guest-13802 entered the room

[20:46] guest-13808 entered the room

[20:46] pollyworld: Anything by Shane Meadows... This Is England,Dead Mans Shoes etc

[20:46] todayswithalex: okay cool!

[20:46] todayswithalex: thankyou!

[20:47] littlefurybug: RIGHT! I must be off, sorry I wasn't on long, I'll be on tomorrow night though :)

[20:47] vonbrucken: strange it seems there is no limit

[20:47] pollyworld: Ok cool,I have to go to... see you here at 9,45pm tell all your cyber friends to come,and bring a bottle!

[20:48] vonbrucken: I will try to find it and send you a message on twitter

[20:48] pollyworld: thanks xx

[20:48] todayswithalex: sorry i cant make it polly :((( ttyl!

[20:48] littlefurybug: Will do :) night x

[20:48] vonbrucken: ok have a great night everyone

[20:48] todayswithalex: night night!

[20:48] pollyworld: night everyone see you tomorrow (and for those of you who can't come nice to have a secret 5min party today!)

[20:48] vonbrucken: will watch an asian horror movie

[20:49] vonbrucken: yep :)

[20:50] guest-13962 entered the room

[20:50] guest-13972 entered the room

[20:50] guest-13979 entered the room

[20:50] guest-13989 entered the room

Psychological Activity (Review On Paranormal Activity)

There are some movies that some people go into with a notion of what it is going to be like. Its usually the person attendings fault, its all a psychological thing. Its the same thing as when you buy something ridiculous and convince yourself you love it. Paranormal Activity seems to be one of those films. The "horror" in it is all done psychologically. Most people would go into the film thinking it is going to be the scariest thing they ever witness in their life, and those people of course go out scared shitless. I, fortunately, went into the film thinking it was probably over hyped and realized that it is, only in the sense its the best horror film of the decade. Its not a horror film, its a psychological thriller. Once people realize that they start to feel tricked almost. The person who put this film together realizes that bumps in the night, and doors creaking, are not scary enough to put a person into cardiac arrest. But what if the person has the element of fear. Thats what Paranormal Activity brings, it brings an element of fear, that sticks with you during the entire film because you dont know what is truly going to happen, and after because you truly do not know what happened. It will leave you looking up information about the film, what really happened, what could happen, it leaves you paying alot more attention to the film than you would have if the movie would have shown some big scary monster or some huge cliff hanger. Theres also no opporunity for a sequel, which I really like when movies do, because that shows the directors are smart in that sense to. They want all the attention on this film, they know that people are going to make this film buzz worthy, they know that the more people don't know whats going on that they will talk about it more via Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and sometimes just plain ol' talking. Yes, todays generation actually can communicate without social networking. Although I would never call this movie a horror film, I am glad that it was put out due to the fact that it teaches people how psychological fear really can affect how you percept things. I will admit, I slept with the TV on the night I saw it. Because fear is all in your brain, and this film made you think.

model citizen

So I got a volunteer gig helping out Jack Gertsner with his company Gallery 701. They are a non profit org providing amazing music/concerts/events to Columbia. I am really excited about it! I am helping out with advertising and what not, and especially with the next show Mike & Ruthy (from the mammals) performing which is a week from today! I am just so excited for this event and so glad i am getting my volunteer hours working with something i am really interested in!
I also work at The Nickelodeon theatre on wednesdays for volunteer hours.
Lifes working. I am pretty sure its looking up :).

bitch

you are supposed to be my friend. how about you start acting like it. I have had it with your sarcastic bitchy comments. why do you do that shit? are you really that insecure? you realize that i could ruin you? you only have like three real friends, and even all them talk shit about you. like im doing, sure its fucked up, but im venting, atleast im not a sarcastic bitch like you are. atleast i make a fucking attempt you bitch. fuck off. LAY THE FUCK OFF.
if yaa dont got nuffin nice to say dont say nuffin!

MAN

if i can find a man that will dance with me when we are by ourselves i am set for life.


for life.



thats truly like nothing to ask for, just that you dont have a nervous sense about you especially around your lover.

lov·er (l v r)

NOUN:

1. One who loves another, especially one who feels sexual love.
2. lovers A couple in love with each other.
1. A paramour.
2. A sexual partner.
4. One who is fond of or devoted to something: a lover of fine food.

im looking at definition 4 (four) and thinking...who is up for five cheese lasagna?

Hipster McGee

Okay so whenever i post a somewhat sad blog (the last one was sad to me probably only because it happened to me) i like to IMMEDIATELY follow it with a happy one!

So for a while i have been talking about Hipster Mcgee on my facebook and twitter. (btw, www.twitter.com/todayswithalex follow me, yeah i just did that.)

Anyways as you know i got to midlands tech, and as most puplic buildings exude a smoking regulation, tech is no excuse. We have these gazebos which it seems like people would hate because of the shit coloured wood but they are a smokin' spot! haha see what i did there? anyways the gazebos to me represent the social aspect of midlands tech. I have met alot of cool people there, from all different roots and backgrounds and ways of life. They are just a great place to go whenever you really want to have a conversation.

But, of course, along with the good ALWAYS comes the bad. Thats where Hipster McGee comes in. Gosh, i cannot stand that brat. His name really is not hipster mcgee even tho sadly if i called him that he would be all over that shit.

anyways he doesnt even go to tech (total means girls "she doesnt even go here!" moment) he just comes and bothers everyone with his douche bag friend and thinks he is being cool.

the first time i saw him he was wearing like cut off girl jeans (which i am presuming were a lone from his 8 year old hannahmontana obsessed) sister. and a white v neck. of cooooourse.

he was dancing around rapping, no screaming, lil wayne in everyones face and saying "im trippin im trippin"

he does this everyday. he thinks he has friends there or something, usually campus security gets them just for being loud.

One time he said, no screamed, "my balls itch" as if he was talking to someone and goes to "readjust" for all of tech to see.

I swear i also heard him say once "ima put that on ma myspace"

um party faux paux.

anyways i am not impressed by Hipster Mcgee and his friend. I have a feeling they will continute to come atleast until winter.

he also offered me three blunts for my jacket.

the answer was no.

I only felt bad with one interaction with him when he asked if i had a ciggerette and i said fuck no, when i just opened a new pack right in front of him haha.

On thursday him and his boyfriend, i mean jackoff buddy, shit, i mean bro... got in a spit fight with repeated "ur gay" "no ur gay" "im serious dude" 's.

that was almost amusing.

One time i asked him wtf he was doing. I asked is he just on the quest to be that guy? he laughed and said yes.

I told him congratulations your quest is complete.

mission accomplished- mcgee, hipster mcgee.

Been Meaning To Post On This For A While

So i just figured it was time to talk about this. Just kind of had enough with peoples opinions on how they felt about the whole situation. Like I would have people send me so many messages either saying are you okay or dont be telling everyone your shit.

And the douchebags were right.

Okay this is what happened. In like late july i found a lump on my left testicle. Yes, this blog is going to be personal. Only because this is the last time i will EVER talk about this subject online.

Anyways of course i told my dad and we went to the doctor.

The doctor flat out told me it wasnt cancerous.

I was so relieved. So i posted a facebook status that said "so glad i dont have nut cancer" thats where i started going wrong.

Then, the doctor called back and said she saw something abnormal and could have been wrong. FUCK right? so i got sent to a urologist where i was then told it was a 50% chance it was cancer and they were going to give me a testicular ultrasound. of course i had to wait days for that.

i was scared shitless. and my mother and i obviously couldnt talk about it since i dont live with her/talk to her, so my sstupid teenager self posted the whole experience on FACEBOOK. every doc update, every ultrasound, and ultimately when they found out it was benign

it was the scariest two or three weeks of my life, and my imbicile self posted everything on facebook.

I had people delete me off facebook which i think is rude AND a huge deal. So i went kind of crazy. I made Stephen shave off all my hair, i withdrew from my school, and deleted basically every status i had on facebook about it. I took off my profile pictures and acted like a recluse.

I know I should not have posted that stuff on facebook, i dont even want to know what some people think of me. I know this one girl thought i was faking. which is fucked up. I just did not have any other outlet, which is no excuse.

ugh, i truly just wanted to clear the air.

i found out who my true friends were from that.

unfortunately.

it was literally the scariest weeks of my life, and i wish i would not have posted that shit on facebook. alot of people must think i was doing it for attention which you know would make sense in a subconcious sort. i felt at that point i needed the attention. i didnt want to go to my mother, i was scared she would try to make it about her, and try to rekindle our relationship. wasnt ready for that, still am not.

I obviously wish the whole situation would not have happened in general.

the reason i did this blog was to clear the air. alot of people arent sure about what exactly happened. all they had to go off of was facebook.

i never post personal shit on facebook anymore. just lyrics and dumb thoughts.

haha.

i love everyone, especially you.

xoxxx

Being Fine

People are going to read my last blog and freak the fuck out. I am not falling off the deep end again! Haha! My hair is staying on my head, and im not popping strange pills! haha! Everything is good right now and i am not off the deep end i PROMISE.

Being at tech is a great experience. I have met some amazing people (and some losers, haha) and formed some AMAZING friendships. I have kept a few old friends that are still at Dreher and I mean a few.

I am perfectly happy, although i should work on my math grade! haha! But yes, i am fine with everything thats been happening lately. My mother and i are... on speaking terms.... i went to her house to use her printer yesterday! Wow! thats a big step!


I know alot of people dont read this but i do want to thank everyone that helped me get where i am right now. I had to deal with alot of demons and regret in the last two years but I found that sometimes starting over is the best thing to do. So i shaved my head and left my school, yes a little drastic, but everything seemed to work it self out in the long run.

I love everyone :)

REGRESSION

re·gret

VERB:
re·gret·ted , re·gret·ting , re·grets
VERB:
tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

VERB:
intr.

To feel regret.

NOUN:

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.
3. regrets A courteous expression of regret, especially at having to decline an invitation.

There is nothing wrong with regretting anything. When someone thinks about something that they regret it is usually something they are over and they randomly think about again. Its that "oh fuck" moment. which may be what you regret (zing?) no but seriously why does everyone assume sex when you think about regret. I regret many things that arent sex. in fact i dont think i regret any sexual relations i have had. This is because i think clearly first of all, i have never slept around. But I think any "bad" sexual experience outcomes i have had have not lead to regret but me learning from them. More like a learning experience

But regret is a pretty big deal. It is something that is a part of you that you do not like and can never fix. It is in the past. Thats why I hate dwelling on regret but that is the only thing to do with it, except completely forget about it. What are your regrets? it seems hard to forget about it. It sits in your mind/heart and eats at you. There is truly NOTHING you can do if you regret something. Is that a bad thing though? it may help you to try to party it off, but you will only make more mistakes.

I regret.

There was not supposed to be a period after the last fragment. But I do not want to type my regrets.

I would regret that.

obsession

when does infatuation turn into being obsessed? How can you tell? And are you supposed to tell yourself? Or should you seek professional help just by thinking it?

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hey LiLo! I just wanted to let you know you are making it so hard for me to support you! As my friend Laura Jean says you are way too sensitive to be a celebrity! I know you did not work this hard for nothing! I know you love Samantha but ima need you to CALM down. I loooove you alot! I think you are empowering honestly, coming out in such a harsh media, but Im really going to need you to stop treating Sam like a giant dykebot.

Be a little more less crazy with your tweets. Everyone can see them okay!? I mean i post some PERSONAL ass shit on my twitter and i deal with the shit so i just wanna make sure you know Twitter can ruin you. my goal is to be ruined because i am a phoenix i will rise above the ruins but YOU dear lindsay, are a dove. A delicate sensitive white bisexual dove. And you need to fly where you know your not going to get eaten by a vulture. Or shot by a hunter.

Telling Sam you were tired of her errors is pretty extreme. I know that she is like superlesbian to you, but she is not a computer. Just because she knows everything about fish does not mean she is a knowledge database that is supposed to have no "errors".

Human beings are allowed to have errors, even if they are superlesbians.

I love you alot tho! and i am always trashtalkin Perez for the mean shit he says to you! So not cool! But I love you and im skinnier than Perez so thats all that matters.

I do approve of you and Sams relationship. She keeps you off the coke, keeps you up with your protein intake (if you catch the jist), and is a pretty stable person.

I feel that you are the type of gf that may not know when to keep your mouth shut tho, like maybe you embarrass her at parties. Which is cool, but im warning you, the newbie stage is about to end. You are about to really be all up on this lesbian scene, people are starting to realize its not a publicity stunt, u really love Sam.

So lets not make them think you are crazy.

And can you please teach your mom what twitter is? she seems to think its a place where people like her.

Love you so much! Have fun in Paris!

xoxo!

article for the romc newspaper (not titled)

i really do hope you enjoy! i put work on here so people can critique it! not for grammatical errors, writing is how your heart spells, but if you critique thoughts (as in discuss) i am all for it.

Before Liz Phair sold out and made songs for television shows, made for television movies, and the rest of the top 40 iPod generation and their overly zealous (in the worst sense of the word) mothers, she actually made buzz worthy music. Before any studio albums you can find her home recordings, entitled “girly sound” recordings, which show a side of Phair that unfortunately not many people got to hear before the synthesized teen pop she came up with in the early 00’s. In 1991 she home recorded her “girly sound tapes” which sample home acoustics with raw and genuine lyrics. Not lyrics written by producers to please people. She is an amazing song writer with amazing talent. One song that is worth a listen is “In Love with Yourself”, which is a depressingly enticing tale about being in a relationship with someone’s over working ego. Of course, I like most of the songs from these edgy songs that show an obscure talent that unfortunately no one realized until a sell-out was complete. You can listen (and download) all of her “girly sound” songs at http://www.girlysound.com/. I suggest listening, for music that you can really be captivated by amazing lyrics and talent.

MY Opinion on the VMA mess!

Look i know EVERYONE is bloggin/tweetin about this STILL and as much as i do it all the time, i hate to jump all over that band wagon. But not only is Kanye a douche he is a HIPOCRITE. Not just with what he did.... i am MORE mad at his MESS of an apology! I mean what the fuck was that!? I truly dont classify that drunk ass blog as an apology! he is complaining about how taylors music is not pop so shouldnt when best pop vid, thats an insult, she makes popular music, for the people. and the PEOPLE voted for her. kanye, you are so fuckin vote or die all democratic and shit yet YOU are the one that doesnt pay attention to the votes. that shit had NOTHING to do with you. you are such a ridiculous human being.
UGH!


OKay lets talk about Gaga!
Is she a man or not!? She is not denying it or approving. we have all seen the video and there is def some extra skin there, ball sack or not. so is it a cock!? did yall see that outfit last night?! i mean trust me a pro tranny like her could tuck if she had to. its just skin and veins when u think about it! I am somewhat thinking its a publicity stunt she did herself!?!?! haha DESPERATE. But i love her hot tranny self, she is my best friend!
and hell ya for thankin god and the gays! love ya girl/boy!


and beyonce, u are one clever snazzy CLASSY bitch. and u have a great waxer : )




one more thing... did anyone notice J LOs PISSED OFF look when eminem won that award!? did he piss her off with a song or somethin!? WTF!!!!!!!
i sawed it!!!


k bye bitches loves ya mean it. xoxo.

below is kanyes "apology"


"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

South Carolina Pride

YaH!!! yes we can! i was so happy to see that i live in a community with such an ABUNDANCE of glbt people! it was such a blessing to see so many people i can relate too. of course i am such a nervous dork tho, so i did not like meet anyone/give anyone my number! haha, for the best maybe? i cant help im such a goofball and get nerve wrecked haha. But I shook TIFFANY's hand like one million times! haha it was such a cool environment, i got a few shirts, an anklet, and a ring to. and got way to drunk afterwards. oops! tee hee hee.

anyways i had a blast, if you did not go you really missed out. I went with a bunch of girlfriends and yes saw numerous ex's/old flames. seeing the one i feared the worst really wasnt that bad. i just said hey and walked off. he was with his new dude, the one he left me for. haha that was SO long ago, life goes on! I am now officially single and not going to say anything cheastastic like "ready to mingle" but for real life goes on, and i am going to take whateever it throws at me. thats one thing i learned at Pride, life is UNEXPECTED. I mean Ryan, president of SC pride PROPOSED to his BF on stage! It was so FUCKING romantic! could NOT get over that. So i hope that one day, I will have my fairytale dude propose to me. But Im young, i need to realize i gotta take this shit one step at a time! So i am cleaning my life up of any sadness i ever had with any ex flame, and MOVE on. I am an independent, special person, i would like to think. And if SC Pride taught me anything, it is obvious that i am FREE.

getting ready is DANGEROUS!

this is so silly! this morning was like such a rush to get ready tho for real! i was plannin to go to dipratos with omi (my grandma) at like 10 30. my fucking slacks were wrinkled and today is the day at school where you HAVE to dress up noce. anyways i dont have a damn iron so i tried putting them in the dryer with a wet cloth. anyways i want to explain all of it but i would just be rambling, long story short i couldnt get them fucking unwrinkly and omi and i were going MAD trying to unwrinkle them. i got them a little better, well she did. (my hero) they are a little better but of course not perfect, like everything. but today is corporate image and i am wearing a long sleeve ralph lauren polo and an american apparel cranberry vest with get this, a TIE. i never wear ties! i dont even know how to tie ties! I had to look up how to on Youtube. AND EVEN THAT WAS HARD. ahahahaha i looked everywhere and didnt fucking realize my loops from my holes! never thought i would say that!
i ending up FINALLY tying it and good thing, today is ID picture day. so yea, thats taken care of. i think i look somewhat nice. my whole grain/nut and soy diet started yesterday. it will supposedly clear my skin up very well. no soda, no gross juice, no candy! if i want a snack, i eat pumpkin seeds! haha! my skin needs to be absolutely RADIANT by SC pride! its in 3 days!

Oh, and by the way!? anyone have any tips on getting pants wrinkle free!?!? i dont have an iron! and dont fucking tell me to get an iron! i dont want one! they are dangerous! hahah, maybe i will get one.... tee hee heeeee

what is what?

Do you ever just feel like you have no idea what the fuck you want? and then theres that saying you dont know what you got till its gone. like you regret that you didnt take that chance after its over, but im so curious, is that true? Maybe people just think they regret it because the opportunity is over. i mean for sure everyone is guilty for the fact that they are just not happy with what they have. everyone is guilty of that. me especially. its not a horrible thing its just a fact. in this sense i could be in a relationship tomorrow. or not and say im feeling awful about it but may not even be phased just subconciously think i am. like that blog yesterday? was i really that upset? or was i just upset at the concept of getting my heart broken? its the concept that makes sense to everyone and when reality sets in, yeah when reality sets in, THATS when we get confused. any thoughts?

unrequited

totally unfair.
i have liked you for so long. i cannot believe you would go to him. you are my friend, he is my friend. you know how i liked you and you said i was too feminine? i dont understand he is too! and everyone says him and i are so much alike yet you are like he is nothin like you. um how the FUCK would you know you just met him tonight. you say you liked him the moment you walked in. well guess what. thats how i feel about you. thats what i feel. the moment i walked in that building and i saw you. when i heard your story. how u just had came out, how ur parents are SO totally amazing about it. thats SO fucking cool. your seriously the best thing in a guy i could look for. you are all my fuckin standards. you are so cool, FUNNY, so SMART, you have a good family, you have a job, car, etc. your fuckin adorable. and when i tell you these things i cant believe you said "i totally should like you, not sure why i dont"
yeah, dick, not sure either. i wish i knew tho. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. i wish i could make someone like me. would that even really be right? could people live with their relationships if they knew it was just a spell. sorry, i am listening to Nina Simones "I Put A Spell On You" and sadly, i wish i could put a spell on YOU. i wish i could make u love me. i think we would be the fucking best couple. not sure why i am so avid about it. truly, since the moment i saw you, i knew i was into you. you are so innocent and "new" and most gays would HATE that but i wanna be there to SHOW you all of the stuff. you dont want HIM!!! he goes to clubs, etc. i dont do that! ima classy gay!!! i want you so bad!!! i truly wish i could put a spell on you. why does this always happen to me tho? i mean im only 17, i could just be overreacting maybe. i hope i am just being dramatic. is that weird to say.

i ended our convo with we have to be mature adults, the truth is i cant put a spell on you. sure i will help you get to know him, if thats what you want. i am not helping you get with him because i feel as if i HAVE to be mature about this, i mean im sure thats one of the reasons, but the true thing is i just want you to be happy i guess. i mean maybe i shouldnt! you know him and i have history,... how could you like him!? ur actually a jerk for doin this! especially because u KNOW i like you. i swear i have givin up. i feel hopeless. truly.

but as i said, i have to be a mature adult about it. im going to help you. and i think it is going to kill me.

Top 40 absurdities

Hey everyone! Pleasure to be chatting with yall today! today i want to talk about top 40 music. is it good for americas "ipod gen", such as myself ? or is it the actual downfall of society. I am going to admit, sometimes in the car I will play the top 40 station and go into a pop overload all giddy and loud. because its FUN! it truly is! top 40 is fun to party/dance to! and thats just a well known fact. obviously. i mean it OBVIOUSLY has no substance whatsoever but does that mean its a horrible idea to listen to it every now and again. I would like to think that MOST of the music that i listen to, does have a little, if not alot of substance. I will admit tho, if a hot guy were to pull up next to me, i would not want him to hear me having a dancegasm to lady gaga. because the sad truth is, sometimes i do! yeah thats right. i like that new shakira song~! and that cobra starship ft. leighton meester song. which i am straight up ashamed of hahah. but i cant stop! its ridiculous! so i just popped on patrick wolf into my pandora and feel a little more reserved lol. but at the same time, if i listen to it, i should not be ashamed. call me a musical doormat, whatever. i mean its my life. yeah the music is absolute SHIT but atleast i admit to it! for real, i mean you should not have to change yourself for anyone. especially these new age "hip" alternative crowd. i mean its a cool scene but SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! am i making any sense? idk i just sometimes cant deal with people that think they are too cool for the whole fucking world.
so yeah, if you listen to top 40 EMBRACE it. dont be embarrassed! but do,please, admit its shit. its okay to love shit sometimes.

having my schedule fixed finally.

after two weeks of not knowing how life was going to go at tech, i FINALLY have my schedule worked out! thank di lort is the main thing i can say! okay so they had me at an eleven class thru both semesters and i needed to work out so i dont have an early bird because i got that community service, you know you know. lol. so i still have an eleven next semester but this semester i dont have class until 1245! hell to the yes. i am very pleased. this semester i will have like this. okay i will just post my schedule all fancy like

Semester One

1. Algebra II- 1245-215
2. Government/Economics-220-350
3. College 103- 355-500

Hell yeah! thats a great first semester! I will have ALOT of time to get ALL my work done. Now, the next semester is ALOT of more work tho. So i HAVE to be ready. Atleast I should be all adjusted to tech by then!

Semester Two

1. Probability and Statistics- 11-1220

break

2.English IV- 220-350

3. Law Education- 355-500

Does that make sense to yall? I know its a tid bit confusing. But hopefully it is going to be an AMAZING year. I am so happy and so blessed.

Oh my favorite thing is that BOTH semesters I will have AMPLE time to get lunch! hell to the yes : )

i love tech : )