Thursday, December 17, 2009
getting in that holiday spirit!!!!
I am SO excited for friday night! Stephen and Nicki and I are having our own lil christmas. Omg its going to be so much fun, we went ALL OUT!!! Got a tree, loads of gifts, stockings, all sorts!!!! its going to be SUCH a blast! I got Stephen and Nicki matching pillow cases from urban outfitters with their initials on them! like his and her pillows. and considering they are such amazing friends they WONT read my blog haha. among loads of other things i got them too! But they wont start reading my blog within the next 20hours for sure haha. but collectivly i spent like 200 dollars on them haha, not that its about the money haha cos its totally not! I wonder what they got me, they keep on dropping hints to confuse me. I love them so much, and I am so blessed to finnaly have friends like them. I am also really blessed because this will be the closest thing to a NORMAL christmas i ever had. i know they are my age and not old enoough to be my parents but its almost a similar concept, a male and female figure getting gifts for me. hahah so cheasy, i know but WHATEVER. I will be sure to be taking pictures. omg nicki is taking stephen to fucking DC for his present, so jealous! and he is getting her an ipod! lol true love, it is just SO sweet! so so sweet when i see da true love mon, they are just great friends! so happy to finally be on break from school, and i am now officially in that holiday spirit! hope everything is good with everyone ttyl xoxoxoxoxooxoxxooxoxoo
Thursday, December 10, 2009
just maybe
why are boys so complicated? is it possible to feel connected to someone so much just by so few conversations with them. how long does it take till you can tell you like someone? how long does it take for someone to break you is more like the question. i really wish it were all so much more simpler than this. I just wish i had that prince who could sweep me off my feet with my baggage and all. even if that prince has similar baggage to me especially when it comes to relationships. especially if. is he really my prince if i have to wait for him like this? to sort out yet again what he wants, scared that its not going to be me, yet again, story of my damn life. i wish i could just take a deep breath and blow down all the walls that shroud relationships. maybe im just too sensitive but being a gemini i go back and forth on what i want alot, but this... this stays pretty constant... i am pretty sure i want this prince... but maybe i am just sensitive and too quick to jump into things. maybe im just a crazy fucking gemini who is off the rails again. everythings a maybe when when you are talking about this shit. fucking everything.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Never Too Sure
So today I took an HIV test. Its negative, i dont have HIV or any HIV antibodies, want to go ahead and get that out of the way. I wasnt too worried honestly, but you know what they say, one of yr sexual partners makes u all of their sexual partners partner as well. So I just thought I should get a test. I always use protection and havent had any sexual contact since august so I dont have to go back for a check up or anything, I definately dont have it. Its a relief to know. I suggest everyone get an HIV test regurally. If you live in my state PALSS is a great place to go! www.palss.org it was completely free and confidential, and everyone there was so nice. The test itself only took 10 minutes and i was at the doctors only about 30 minutes. So why not get tested? I suggest everyone do it, because its always good to be sure. :)
nevertheless
I cannot believe I agreed to do this... I feel so fake. I cannot believe I gave in expecting something to do different. its all the same, the bridges are all burnt. I am not proud of myself for this.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Dear Rapist
Thats what you are
Looking like a knight
only from a far
i didnt put a fight
because i just didnt know
how to do it right
you told me to stop saying no
no matter how much it hurt
I wanted you to let me go
shoved against the cold dirt...
no longer a virgin
i barely knew what sex was
knew nothing about men
didnt know how to trust
i wonder what your doing now
if your doing it all over
i wonder if its my mothers fault somehow?
i mean, you'd just have to know her.
people say im not a victim
im a kid that made mistakes
but i just want to hit them
my tears can fill a lake
is that was love is?
never got to find out
i didnt know itd be like this
as u muffle my shouts
so over crying
done with this shit
felt like dying
for too many bits
i was a pure young virgin, who didnt know better
you made me feel loved if just for ten minutes
then you took it all away with everything in it.
(i felt like it would be easier to try this in poem form, and i am so glad i am done writing these letters that was really hard and i hope it helped...) thanks for being there while i share this!
Looking like a knight
only from a far
i didnt put a fight
because i just didnt know
how to do it right
you told me to stop saying no
no matter how much it hurt
I wanted you to let me go
shoved against the cold dirt...
no longer a virgin
i barely knew what sex was
knew nothing about men
didnt know how to trust
i wonder what your doing now
if your doing it all over
i wonder if its my mothers fault somehow?
i mean, you'd just have to know her.
people say im not a victim
im a kid that made mistakes
but i just want to hit them
my tears can fill a lake
is that was love is?
never got to find out
i didnt know itd be like this
as u muffle my shouts
so over crying
done with this shit
felt like dying
for too many bits
i was a pure young virgin, who didnt know better
you made me feel loved if just for ten minutes
then you took it all away with everything in it.
(i felt like it would be easier to try this in poem form, and i am so glad i am done writing these letters that was really hard and i hope it helped...) thanks for being there while i share this!
dear mother
This is already hard. I just want to know why I was so easily replaced. When I was younger I never even realized I was a part of a split family. Then you get married and its all the sudden like I am thrown in this picture perfect family that I just dont understand how it happened. We used to spend so much time together before I was about 6 years old. Everything changed when you started having more kids. I am so glad you gave me three little half brothers, they are so refreshing, but its not about that. When Sam got diagnosed with Autism it was something I did not understand nor could comprehend, I was so young, I was only 10. And then everything changed. I know that he needed alot of attention but everything in the house was about that. I was a 10 year old that needed help with homework, that needed help wondering what was going on, but yet I just got thrown in this new life, with NO ONE to explain to me what was going on. Why did you blame everything on me at that point? Why was I the one for you to vent on, for you to yell at. Because your husband was at work and your son had autism? Thats not good enough reason for me. What did i do to you to deserve that? I was so young.
When I was 12 I got kicked out of school for defacing school property. I was screaming for attention. Thats all my fault, I know, I just want to say I am so sorry for that. I was completely selfish and I regret it everyday. You had so much going on and I had no right to make it so the attention was on me like that. That is the thing I am most sorry for. And even though you did all the wrong things, I think that was the last time you sincerely tried to help me without making yourself look better. I never got to thankyou for that, I am so sorry I put you through that hell. If I could take back that day I would in a heart beat. I dont think you will ever know how truly sorry I am for that. I am so sorry, nor did I realize how long this would take for me to type. Its really hard to, I am truly breaking down.
I'm about to bring up something that I never talk about and can never forgive you for. When I was 14 you and i were fighting non stop. I had already went to stay with my aunt for a month and had been home maybe a month. You told me to pack a few things and my dad was going to pick me up so we could "talk". I didnt think anything of it, coz i was so innocent. i did not know what you were capable of. My dad told me that I was going to live with him that night. Why did you lie to me? Why did you feel the need to just not tell me that night that you were kicking me out!? thats what you did, wheather you like it or not, you kicked me out! That was wednesday the 20th. I was heartbroken. I had nothing in me left.
On thursday the 21st of December 2006 I was raped by a 26 year old man, when I was 14. I had gone over my friends for an innocent spend the night, i wanted to rebel so badly. My own mother had abandoned me, had made me feel like i wasnt good enough. My friend had known this guy, he talked to me for ten minutes and made me feel like i was a good person becuase NO ONE ELSE DID. Before I knew what I got myself into I lost my virginity on a hardwood floor of an unfinished house. I kept on saying no but didnt resist. I did not know how to resist when someone was hurting me because of you mother. Because I would just deal with you hurting me emotionally everyday and having to deal with it. So i dealt with it.
I went 8 months without telling the truth to anyone.
Before the summer of 2007 you made me move back to your house. I still dont understand how someone can kick you out and then make you move back in. I was whiplashed. Especially because I could not even look at you let alone trust you. 8 months after my attack I told you.
Why did you make it seem like it was my fault.
I remember you saying "what did you think you were going to get icecream!? its your fault! you got in that car!"
how could u say that...
do u know how much that fucked me up?? And then you told people. You told my dad, you told my stepdad, you told friends of yours. I TRUSTED YOU, how many times was I going to trust you and you fuck it up!?? it wasn't fair!
Up until I was 16 you and I were fighting non stop about where I would live. I wanted to live with my father so bad, no not because I got my way like you think, but because i TRUSTED him. I dont think you understand was trust is.
I finally just left, went to a friends and said I am either living here or my dads. I cannot deal with the shit I got from you, the blame, the blame for everythning. You blamed me for a fucking 26 year old who forced himself inside me!? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU!? Why did you do that? Why did you treat me like that.
I am so tired of fighting with you, I am finally so happy and I truly think you are jealous I have found peace. But I am jealous of you. You have found love I believe, and I dont think i will ever be able to find that because of you. Because for the longest time I thought that loving was fighting, running, going back, and blame. Because thats just how I saw it, I had no other way of viewing it.
No, my life does not suck, and I am not writing this to complain, I just hope it helps me deal with some shit.
And of course there is so much other shit you did for me not to trust you and I dont have time for that. The fact of the matter is you did all the wrong things trying to raise me, you fucked me up, and I wish you luck with your new family. Because i wouldnt wish anything that happened to me on anyone else.
It hurts when you send texts telling me i was a shitty son and shit like i cant see my brothers. I have given my all to build a relationship with you, to forgive you. I have forgiven you so many times and there comes a time where the apologies dont match with the acceptances. Meaning its time to start fucking realize you fuck up. and how dare you text me and tell me I only do things when I get my way. What the fuck do you do for anyone else? You do all this work for autism research but the way you do it I know its just to get you attention. So everyone thinks your a perfect goddamn mother. Do you know how it feels that your friends dont even know I exist because you dont want them to know how much you fucked me up? really shitty of you.
I dont know if I can forgive you again because of so many bridges you have burned. I wish it was easier. Because I miss how life was before you got married, before i got raped, and before you were such a twat.
xo
When I was 12 I got kicked out of school for defacing school property. I was screaming for attention. Thats all my fault, I know, I just want to say I am so sorry for that. I was completely selfish and I regret it everyday. You had so much going on and I had no right to make it so the attention was on me like that. That is the thing I am most sorry for. And even though you did all the wrong things, I think that was the last time you sincerely tried to help me without making yourself look better. I never got to thankyou for that, I am so sorry I put you through that hell. If I could take back that day I would in a heart beat. I dont think you will ever know how truly sorry I am for that. I am so sorry, nor did I realize how long this would take for me to type. Its really hard to, I am truly breaking down.
I'm about to bring up something that I never talk about and can never forgive you for. When I was 14 you and i were fighting non stop. I had already went to stay with my aunt for a month and had been home maybe a month. You told me to pack a few things and my dad was going to pick me up so we could "talk". I didnt think anything of it, coz i was so innocent. i did not know what you were capable of. My dad told me that I was going to live with him that night. Why did you lie to me? Why did you feel the need to just not tell me that night that you were kicking me out!? thats what you did, wheather you like it or not, you kicked me out! That was wednesday the 20th. I was heartbroken. I had nothing in me left.
On thursday the 21st of December 2006 I was raped by a 26 year old man, when I was 14. I had gone over my friends for an innocent spend the night, i wanted to rebel so badly. My own mother had abandoned me, had made me feel like i wasnt good enough. My friend had known this guy, he talked to me for ten minutes and made me feel like i was a good person becuase NO ONE ELSE DID. Before I knew what I got myself into I lost my virginity on a hardwood floor of an unfinished house. I kept on saying no but didnt resist. I did not know how to resist when someone was hurting me because of you mother. Because I would just deal with you hurting me emotionally everyday and having to deal with it. So i dealt with it.
I went 8 months without telling the truth to anyone.
Before the summer of 2007 you made me move back to your house. I still dont understand how someone can kick you out and then make you move back in. I was whiplashed. Especially because I could not even look at you let alone trust you. 8 months after my attack I told you.
Why did you make it seem like it was my fault.
I remember you saying "what did you think you were going to get icecream!? its your fault! you got in that car!"
how could u say that...
do u know how much that fucked me up?? And then you told people. You told my dad, you told my stepdad, you told friends of yours. I TRUSTED YOU, how many times was I going to trust you and you fuck it up!?? it wasn't fair!
Up until I was 16 you and I were fighting non stop about where I would live. I wanted to live with my father so bad, no not because I got my way like you think, but because i TRUSTED him. I dont think you understand was trust is.
I finally just left, went to a friends and said I am either living here or my dads. I cannot deal with the shit I got from you, the blame, the blame for everythning. You blamed me for a fucking 26 year old who forced himself inside me!? HOW FUCKING COULD YOU!? Why did you do that? Why did you treat me like that.
I am so tired of fighting with you, I am finally so happy and I truly think you are jealous I have found peace. But I am jealous of you. You have found love I believe, and I dont think i will ever be able to find that because of you. Because for the longest time I thought that loving was fighting, running, going back, and blame. Because thats just how I saw it, I had no other way of viewing it.
No, my life does not suck, and I am not writing this to complain, I just hope it helps me deal with some shit.
And of course there is so much other shit you did for me not to trust you and I dont have time for that. The fact of the matter is you did all the wrong things trying to raise me, you fucked me up, and I wish you luck with your new family. Because i wouldnt wish anything that happened to me on anyone else.
It hurts when you send texts telling me i was a shitty son and shit like i cant see my brothers. I have given my all to build a relationship with you, to forgive you. I have forgiven you so many times and there comes a time where the apologies dont match with the acceptances. Meaning its time to start fucking realize you fuck up. and how dare you text me and tell me I only do things when I get my way. What the fuck do you do for anyone else? You do all this work for autism research but the way you do it I know its just to get you attention. So everyone thinks your a perfect goddamn mother. Do you know how it feels that your friends dont even know I exist because you dont want them to know how much you fucked me up? really shitty of you.
I dont know if I can forgive you again because of so many bridges you have burned. I wish it was easier. Because I miss how life was before you got married, before i got raped, and before you were such a twat.
xo
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