bitch

you are supposed to be my friend. how about you start acting like it. I have had it with your sarcastic bitchy comments. why do you do that shit? are you really that insecure? you realize that i could ruin you? you only have like three real friends, and even all them talk shit about you. like im doing, sure its fucked up, but im venting, atleast im not a sarcastic bitch like you are. atleast i make a fucking attempt you bitch. fuck off. LAY THE FUCK OFF.
if yaa dont got nuffin nice to say dont say nuffin!

MAN

if i can find a man that will dance with me when we are by ourselves i am set for life.


for life.



thats truly like nothing to ask for, just that you dont have a nervous sense about you especially around your lover.

lov·er (l v r)

NOUN:

1. One who loves another, especially one who feels sexual love.
2. lovers A couple in love with each other.
1. A paramour.
2. A sexual partner.
4. One who is fond of or devoted to something: a lover of fine food.

im looking at definition 4 (four) and thinking...who is up for five cheese lasagna?

Hipster McGee

Okay so whenever i post a somewhat sad blog (the last one was sad to me probably only because it happened to me) i like to IMMEDIATELY follow it with a happy one!

So for a while i have been talking about Hipster Mcgee on my facebook and twitter. (btw, www.twitter.com/todayswithalex follow me, yeah i just did that.)

Anyways as you know i got to midlands tech, and as most puplic buildings exude a smoking regulation, tech is no excuse. We have these gazebos which it seems like people would hate because of the shit coloured wood but they are a smokin' spot! haha see what i did there? anyways the gazebos to me represent the social aspect of midlands tech. I have met alot of cool people there, from all different roots and backgrounds and ways of life. They are just a great place to go whenever you really want to have a conversation.

But, of course, along with the good ALWAYS comes the bad. Thats where Hipster McGee comes in. Gosh, i cannot stand that brat. His name really is not hipster mcgee even tho sadly if i called him that he would be all over that shit.

anyways he doesnt even go to tech (total means girls "she doesnt even go here!" moment) he just comes and bothers everyone with his douche bag friend and thinks he is being cool.

the first time i saw him he was wearing like cut off girl jeans (which i am presuming were a lone from his 8 year old hannahmontana obsessed) sister. and a white v neck. of cooooourse.

he was dancing around rapping, no screaming, lil wayne in everyones face and saying "im trippin im trippin"

he does this everyday. he thinks he has friends there or something, usually campus security gets them just for being loud.

One time he said, no screamed, "my balls itch" as if he was talking to someone and goes to "readjust" for all of tech to see.

I swear i also heard him say once "ima put that on ma myspace"

um party faux paux.

anyways i am not impressed by Hipster Mcgee and his friend. I have a feeling they will continute to come atleast until winter.

he also offered me three blunts for my jacket.

the answer was no.

I only felt bad with one interaction with him when he asked if i had a ciggerette and i said fuck no, when i just opened a new pack right in front of him haha.

On thursday him and his boyfriend, i mean jackoff buddy, shit, i mean bro... got in a spit fight with repeated "ur gay" "no ur gay" "im serious dude" 's.

that was almost amusing.

One time i asked him wtf he was doing. I asked is he just on the quest to be that guy? he laughed and said yes.

I told him congratulations your quest is complete.

mission accomplished- mcgee, hipster mcgee.

Been Meaning To Post On This For A While

So i just figured it was time to talk about this. Just kind of had enough with peoples opinions on how they felt about the whole situation. Like I would have people send me so many messages either saying are you okay or dont be telling everyone your shit.

And the douchebags were right.

Okay this is what happened. In like late july i found a lump on my left testicle. Yes, this blog is going to be personal. Only because this is the last time i will EVER talk about this subject online.

Anyways of course i told my dad and we went to the doctor.

The doctor flat out told me it wasnt cancerous.

I was so relieved. So i posted a facebook status that said "so glad i dont have nut cancer" thats where i started going wrong.

Then, the doctor called back and said she saw something abnormal and could have been wrong. FUCK right? so i got sent to a urologist where i was then told it was a 50% chance it was cancer and they were going to give me a testicular ultrasound. of course i had to wait days for that.

i was scared shitless. and my mother and i obviously couldnt talk about it since i dont live with her/talk to her, so my sstupid teenager self posted the whole experience on FACEBOOK. every doc update, every ultrasound, and ultimately when they found out it was benign

it was the scariest two or three weeks of my life, and my imbicile self posted everything on facebook.

I had people delete me off facebook which i think is rude AND a huge deal. So i went kind of crazy. I made Stephen shave off all my hair, i withdrew from my school, and deleted basically every status i had on facebook about it. I took off my profile pictures and acted like a recluse.

I know I should not have posted that stuff on facebook, i dont even want to know what some people think of me. I know this one girl thought i was faking. which is fucked up. I just did not have any other outlet, which is no excuse.

ugh, i truly just wanted to clear the air.

i found out who my true friends were from that.

unfortunately.

it was literally the scariest weeks of my life, and i wish i would not have posted that shit on facebook. alot of people must think i was doing it for attention which you know would make sense in a subconcious sort. i felt at that point i needed the attention. i didnt want to go to my mother, i was scared she would try to make it about her, and try to rekindle our relationship. wasnt ready for that, still am not.

I obviously wish the whole situation would not have happened in general.

the reason i did this blog was to clear the air. alot of people arent sure about what exactly happened. all they had to go off of was facebook.

i never post personal shit on facebook anymore. just lyrics and dumb thoughts.

haha.

i love everyone, especially you.

xoxxx

Being Fine

People are going to read my last blog and freak the fuck out. I am not falling off the deep end again! Haha! My hair is staying on my head, and im not popping strange pills! haha! Everything is good right now and i am not off the deep end i PROMISE.

Being at tech is a great experience. I have met some amazing people (and some losers, haha) and formed some AMAZING friendships. I have kept a few old friends that are still at Dreher and I mean a few.

I am perfectly happy, although i should work on my math grade! haha! But yes, i am fine with everything thats been happening lately. My mother and i are... on speaking terms.... i went to her house to use her printer yesterday! Wow! thats a big step!


I know alot of people dont read this but i do want to thank everyone that helped me get where i am right now. I had to deal with alot of demons and regret in the last two years but I found that sometimes starting over is the best thing to do. So i shaved my head and left my school, yes a little drastic, but everything seemed to work it self out in the long run.

I love everyone :)

REGRESSION

re·gret

VERB:
re·gret·ted , re·gret·ting , re·grets
VERB:
tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

VERB:
intr.

To feel regret.

NOUN:

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.
3. regrets A courteous expression of regret, especially at having to decline an invitation.

There is nothing wrong with regretting anything. When someone thinks about something that they regret it is usually something they are over and they randomly think about again. Its that "oh fuck" moment. which may be what you regret (zing?) no but seriously why does everyone assume sex when you think about regret. I regret many things that arent sex. in fact i dont think i regret any sexual relations i have had. This is because i think clearly first of all, i have never slept around. But I think any "bad" sexual experience outcomes i have had have not lead to regret but me learning from them. More like a learning experience

But regret is a pretty big deal. It is something that is a part of you that you do not like and can never fix. It is in the past. Thats why I hate dwelling on regret but that is the only thing to do with it, except completely forget about it. What are your regrets? it seems hard to forget about it. It sits in your mind/heart and eats at you. There is truly NOTHING you can do if you regret something. Is that a bad thing though? it may help you to try to party it off, but you will only make more mistakes.

I regret.

There was not supposed to be a period after the last fragment. But I do not want to type my regrets.

I would regret that.

obsession

when does infatuation turn into being obsessed? How can you tell? And are you supposed to tell yourself? Or should you seek professional help just by thinking it?

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hey LiLo! I just wanted to let you know you are making it so hard for me to support you! As my friend Laura Jean says you are way too sensitive to be a celebrity! I know you did not work this hard for nothing! I know you love Samantha but ima need you to CALM down. I loooove you alot! I think you are empowering honestly, coming out in such a harsh media, but Im really going to need you to stop treating Sam like a giant dykebot.

Be a little more less crazy with your tweets. Everyone can see them okay!? I mean i post some PERSONAL ass shit on my twitter and i deal with the shit so i just wanna make sure you know Twitter can ruin you. my goal is to be ruined because i am a phoenix i will rise above the ruins but YOU dear lindsay, are a dove. A delicate sensitive white bisexual dove. And you need to fly where you know your not going to get eaten by a vulture. Or shot by a hunter.

Telling Sam you were tired of her errors is pretty extreme. I know that she is like superlesbian to you, but she is not a computer. Just because she knows everything about fish does not mean she is a knowledge database that is supposed to have no "errors".

Human beings are allowed to have errors, even if they are superlesbians.

I love you alot tho! and i am always trashtalkin Perez for the mean shit he says to you! So not cool! But I love you and im skinnier than Perez so thats all that matters.

I do approve of you and Sams relationship. She keeps you off the coke, keeps you up with your protein intake (if you catch the jist), and is a pretty stable person.

I feel that you are the type of gf that may not know when to keep your mouth shut tho, like maybe you embarrass her at parties. Which is cool, but im warning you, the newbie stage is about to end. You are about to really be all up on this lesbian scene, people are starting to realize its not a publicity stunt, u really love Sam.

So lets not make them think you are crazy.

And can you please teach your mom what twitter is? she seems to think its a place where people like her.

Love you so much! Have fun in Paris!

xoxo!

article for the romc newspaper (not titled)

i really do hope you enjoy! i put work on here so people can critique it! not for grammatical errors, writing is how your heart spells, but if you critique thoughts (as in discuss) i am all for it.

Before Liz Phair sold out and made songs for television shows, made for television movies, and the rest of the top 40 iPod generation and their overly zealous (in the worst sense of the word) mothers, she actually made buzz worthy music. Before any studio albums you can find her home recordings, entitled “girly sound” recordings, which show a side of Phair that unfortunately not many people got to hear before the synthesized teen pop she came up with in the early 00’s. In 1991 she home recorded her “girly sound tapes” which sample home acoustics with raw and genuine lyrics. Not lyrics written by producers to please people. She is an amazing song writer with amazing talent. One song that is worth a listen is “In Love with Yourself”, which is a depressingly enticing tale about being in a relationship with someone’s over working ego. Of course, I like most of the songs from these edgy songs that show an obscure talent that unfortunately no one realized until a sell-out was complete. You can listen (and download) all of her “girly sound” songs at http://www.girlysound.com/. I suggest listening, for music that you can really be captivated by amazing lyrics and talent.

MY Opinion on the VMA mess!

Look i know EVERYONE is bloggin/tweetin about this STILL and as much as i do it all the time, i hate to jump all over that band wagon. But not only is Kanye a douche he is a HIPOCRITE. Not just with what he did.... i am MORE mad at his MESS of an apology! I mean what the fuck was that!? I truly dont classify that drunk ass blog as an apology! he is complaining about how taylors music is not pop so shouldnt when best pop vid, thats an insult, she makes popular music, for the people. and the PEOPLE voted for her. kanye, you are so fuckin vote or die all democratic and shit yet YOU are the one that doesnt pay attention to the votes. that shit had NOTHING to do with you. you are such a ridiculous human being.
UGH!


OKay lets talk about Gaga!
Is she a man or not!? She is not denying it or approving. we have all seen the video and there is def some extra skin there, ball sack or not. so is it a cock!? did yall see that outfit last night?! i mean trust me a pro tranny like her could tuck if she had to. its just skin and veins when u think about it! I am somewhat thinking its a publicity stunt she did herself!?!?! haha DESPERATE. But i love her hot tranny self, she is my best friend!
and hell ya for thankin god and the gays! love ya girl/boy!


and beyonce, u are one clever snazzy CLASSY bitch. and u have a great waxer : )




one more thing... did anyone notice J LOs PISSED OFF look when eminem won that award!? did he piss her off with a song or somethin!? WTF!!!!!!!
i sawed it!!!


k bye bitches loves ya mean it. xoxo.

below is kanyes "apology"


"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

South Carolina Pride

YaH!!! yes we can! i was so happy to see that i live in a community with such an ABUNDANCE of glbt people! it was such a blessing to see so many people i can relate too. of course i am such a nervous dork tho, so i did not like meet anyone/give anyone my number! haha, for the best maybe? i cant help im such a goofball and get nerve wrecked haha. But I shook TIFFANY's hand like one million times! haha it was such a cool environment, i got a few shirts, an anklet, and a ring to. and got way to drunk afterwards. oops! tee hee hee.

anyways i had a blast, if you did not go you really missed out. I went with a bunch of girlfriends and yes saw numerous ex's/old flames. seeing the one i feared the worst really wasnt that bad. i just said hey and walked off. he was with his new dude, the one he left me for. haha that was SO long ago, life goes on! I am now officially single and not going to say anything cheastastic like "ready to mingle" but for real life goes on, and i am going to take whateever it throws at me. thats one thing i learned at Pride, life is UNEXPECTED. I mean Ryan, president of SC pride PROPOSED to his BF on stage! It was so FUCKING romantic! could NOT get over that. So i hope that one day, I will have my fairytale dude propose to me. But Im young, i need to realize i gotta take this shit one step at a time! So i am cleaning my life up of any sadness i ever had with any ex flame, and MOVE on. I am an independent, special person, i would like to think. And if SC Pride taught me anything, it is obvious that i am FREE.

getting ready is DANGEROUS!

this is so silly! this morning was like such a rush to get ready tho for real! i was plannin to go to dipratos with omi (my grandma) at like 10 30. my fucking slacks were wrinkled and today is the day at school where you HAVE to dress up noce. anyways i dont have a damn iron so i tried putting them in the dryer with a wet cloth. anyways i want to explain all of it but i would just be rambling, long story short i couldnt get them fucking unwrinkly and omi and i were going MAD trying to unwrinkle them. i got them a little better, well she did. (my hero) they are a little better but of course not perfect, like everything. but today is corporate image and i am wearing a long sleeve ralph lauren polo and an american apparel cranberry vest with get this, a TIE. i never wear ties! i dont even know how to tie ties! I had to look up how to on Youtube. AND EVEN THAT WAS HARD. ahahahaha i looked everywhere and didnt fucking realize my loops from my holes! never thought i would say that!
i ending up FINALLY tying it and good thing, today is ID picture day. so yea, thats taken care of. i think i look somewhat nice. my whole grain/nut and soy diet started yesterday. it will supposedly clear my skin up very well. no soda, no gross juice, no candy! if i want a snack, i eat pumpkin seeds! haha! my skin needs to be absolutely RADIANT by SC pride! its in 3 days!

Oh, and by the way!? anyone have any tips on getting pants wrinkle free!?!? i dont have an iron! and dont fucking tell me to get an iron! i dont want one! they are dangerous! hahah, maybe i will get one.... tee hee heeeee

what is what?

Do you ever just feel like you have no idea what the fuck you want? and then theres that saying you dont know what you got till its gone. like you regret that you didnt take that chance after its over, but im so curious, is that true? Maybe people just think they regret it because the opportunity is over. i mean for sure everyone is guilty for the fact that they are just not happy with what they have. everyone is guilty of that. me especially. its not a horrible thing its just a fact. in this sense i could be in a relationship tomorrow. or not and say im feeling awful about it but may not even be phased just subconciously think i am. like that blog yesterday? was i really that upset? or was i just upset at the concept of getting my heart broken? its the concept that makes sense to everyone and when reality sets in, yeah when reality sets in, THATS when we get confused. any thoughts?

unrequited

totally unfair.
i have liked you for so long. i cannot believe you would go to him. you are my friend, he is my friend. you know how i liked you and you said i was too feminine? i dont understand he is too! and everyone says him and i are so much alike yet you are like he is nothin like you. um how the FUCK would you know you just met him tonight. you say you liked him the moment you walked in. well guess what. thats how i feel about you. thats what i feel. the moment i walked in that building and i saw you. when i heard your story. how u just had came out, how ur parents are SO totally amazing about it. thats SO fucking cool. your seriously the best thing in a guy i could look for. you are all my fuckin standards. you are so cool, FUNNY, so SMART, you have a good family, you have a job, car, etc. your fuckin adorable. and when i tell you these things i cant believe you said "i totally should like you, not sure why i dont"
yeah, dick, not sure either. i wish i knew tho. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. i wish i could make someone like me. would that even really be right? could people live with their relationships if they knew it was just a spell. sorry, i am listening to Nina Simones "I Put A Spell On You" and sadly, i wish i could put a spell on YOU. i wish i could make u love me. i think we would be the fucking best couple. not sure why i am so avid about it. truly, since the moment i saw you, i knew i was into you. you are so innocent and "new" and most gays would HATE that but i wanna be there to SHOW you all of the stuff. you dont want HIM!!! he goes to clubs, etc. i dont do that! ima classy gay!!! i want you so bad!!! i truly wish i could put a spell on you. why does this always happen to me tho? i mean im only 17, i could just be overreacting maybe. i hope i am just being dramatic. is that weird to say.

i ended our convo with we have to be mature adults, the truth is i cant put a spell on you. sure i will help you get to know him, if thats what you want. i am not helping you get with him because i feel as if i HAVE to be mature about this, i mean im sure thats one of the reasons, but the true thing is i just want you to be happy i guess. i mean maybe i shouldnt! you know him and i have history,... how could you like him!? ur actually a jerk for doin this! especially because u KNOW i like you. i swear i have givin up. i feel hopeless. truly.

but as i said, i have to be a mature adult about it. im going to help you. and i think it is going to kill me.